Well, it has finally happened. Public pressure has made it to Daniel Snyder’s pocket and the worst team name in sports is in serious jeopardy. I am not the type to obsess over the political correctness of a name in either direction (for example, I don’t really care about the name Indians, as dumb as it may be), but this one is different. The name of the team is a recognized ethnic slur that I will not be including in this article. There really isn’t any other precedent for this in the modern era because no team owner is so stubborn and stupid that they would insist that an ethnic slur is necessary for a team name. Now that the team’s main sponsors have decided they care about the negative press around this, the team will probably be forced into a re-brand. And re-brands are my jam. Time for the top 10 new names and logo’s for the Washington football team.
10: D.C. Snyders
This one sounds ridiculous on its surface (and underneath the surface). I would love to tell you that this was an original idea, but it’s not. Both the Charlotte Bobcats and the Cleveland Browns have or had names based on key people in the organization. Daniel Snyder has shown himself to be very into himself and his own ideas and also very out of touch with what other people think. So as crazy and jokey as this seems, this is actually a real possibility. Well, maybe not since the nickname sounds an awful lot like D.C. Sniper, not that Daniel Snyder would think of that.
9: Washington Not Ravens
Just a reminder/warning to fans from Baltimore who might be still hanging on, the Ravens are a good football team. The Washington nicknames are not. And it’s not an aberration. It’s been 20 years.
8: Washington Cherry Blossoms
Let’s all look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Is there anything good about Washington D.C.?”. After a half hour or so, you will remember the Cherry Blossoms. Cherry Blossoms are some of the most beautiful things in nature. I have personally planted multiple ornamental cherry trees in my yard because of their unsurpassed beauty. The harmony and peace found in such trees is so legendary it is a major part of Japanese culture. People from all across the U.S. come to see the famous cherry blossoms in Washington, so maybe a few of those people might accidently buy tickets to the football team. Anything to improve attendance.
7: The Washington Lincoln Roosevelts
Why hold back? Go all in on the presidents (that people haven’t cancelled yet). Washington and Lincoln both found the time to free slaves. You can even pretend the Roosevelt you are talking about is the good one. You know, the one everybody you know likes. The one who did that thing your specific political party thought was great. You know, he passed that important legislation to change America forever. He was a hero for that good party that is protecting America from that other horrible party. Yeah, that Roosevelt.
6: D.C. Swamp Things
Not only is Swamp Thing a DC comics character, it even had its own show for a couple weeks. This is the easiest promotional tie in ever. You can even have the Swamp Thing pretend to run for president for the Green Party (and at this point probably in real life too). It will look awesome. He would also immediately be the 9th most handsome president.
5: Washington Partisans
The most ferocious thing in Washington is the far left and right who love to drive up fear and anger to ensure their party of choice maintains its voting base to lay waste to those insidious hell raisers on the other side. The best part about this nickname is that neither side can complain because they are represented. Just kidding, they will still complain.
4: D.C. Gridlock
This one has a nice ring to it (probably not a super bowl ring, though, with Snyder in charge). Everyone in D.C. is deathly afraid of being trapped in one of their legendary traffic jams. I have never lived in D.C., but I still have a D.C. traffic story from the time I got stuck in a traffic jam in construction there at 2 AM (I thought I was being clever to avoid the gridlock). I am guessing anyone who lives anywhere near D.C. or has ever tried to travel south or north in eastern America or thought they could just sidle up to our national mall has the same stories. Plus Gridlock sounds like Gridiron, so there’s that. Their logo could be parked Fed Ex trucks. Win win.
3: Washington Rainbows
Tired of the Twitter mob banging down your door? Do the most popular thing on twitter and in the corporate world. Grab onto a popular cause and monetize it! Imagine how many items you will sell with your rainbow logo on everything 24/7 (not just for a month). People will call you brave and forward thinking. You will never again have to justify your name to anyone. The people burning your jerseys will no longer just be doing it because you suck. It will be because they hate a bunch of people they haven’t met. And that is so much better from a corporate standpoint.
2: Washington Pentagons
The NFL loves to tie itself to the military, and there is no better way then connecting yourself to the building that serves as the nerve center for our national defenses. From patronizing camouflage uniforms, to putting thousands of flags on display, nothing will make up for having Colin Kaepernick around like brazenly drowning your audience under sea to shining sea. Just be careful when you choose out the logo…
1: D.C. Metro
Sure, it’s not on track. It’s constantly under repair and rebuilding. It’s never there when you need it. People are losing interest. It can be a literal dumpster fire combined with a train wreck. Everyone thinks it was better in the 80s. People complain about having to pay so much to go there. Enough about the Washington football team though, what was the new name again?
Feel free to pick the one you like most and vote in the comments! When Daniel Snyder gets a hold of this research it is really going to make his job a lot easier. I for one know that I would certainly love to buy a flaming train hat or a pentagram jersey.