Holy Hamhocks: Nicholas Cage. IS. BACK.

Behold the majesty of Tacon: A trailer breakdown

In the spirit of my forefather, Nicholas Cage has returned to cinema in a big way, with a turn that can only be described as the spiritual descendant of John Wick and Taken in: Pig.

We are all about to experience something truly special. A once in a lifetime experience that will mark our journey on this spinning orb in the way only the transcendent experiences can. Like the first time you taste chocolate. 9/11. The Challenger Explosion. 47 Ronin. These are the moments we remember where we were when we discovered them, good or bad. Did you guys just watch that trailer!?!?! Watch it again.

1 more time.

OK. Let’s talk about this trailer.

It all starts with a pig. An adorable pig. Probably the pig-from-Babe’s son. And a stunt double whistling. Also, a cut scene nature shot from The Revenant. Then, a homeless Nicholas Cage appears. In a classic reverse, Cage starts out the movie looking like end of the movie Leonardo DiCaprio from The Revenant. We bask in the Con Air hair, the Running with the Devil beard, and the jowls from the Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent. Nic takes a deep breath of what looks like horse shit, but is probably actually a truffle.

Then, all hell breaks loose. There is a horribly unnecessary jump scare that exploded my eardrums with my headphones on. In a near shot for shot remake of John Wick, someone kidnaps Nic’s pig. Then we hear what happens when Nic doesn’t have a whistling stunt double. The result sounds like my son trying to get the dog to give back a frisbee. After some more Revenant cut scenes, we are reminded, as we are in every Nicholas Cage trailer, that Cage once won an Oscar. This might be the most misleading Oscar of all time if it wasn’t for Forrest Gump. It would be like if every wonderful Sandra Bullock trailer started by mentioning her Razzie instead of her Oscar (BOTH HAPPENED IN THE SAME YEAR).

Now we use a John Wick cut scene to move to the city. We are granted a restaurant scene of foreboding intent. Cage sits down with a mysterious and somewhat shady character to talk with a chef who blithely explains the hopelessness of the restaurant business (and doesn’t even need to mention COVID). He recommends that Nic buy a new daughter, I mean dog, I mean pig. Nic starts to philosophize. He has a photographic memory, but quickly notes that others do not (this holds up). Somewhere in the middle, he is suddenly a shirtless live action Rasputin from the not upcoming live Anastasia reboot. Then, a few dramatic shots that MEAN SOMETHING in the context of the film (I hope). Finally, he reminds us all what it means to truly care about something, when we have so little in this world (I guess). Finally finally, just like in the Cast Away trailer, we see them back together so we know how it ends.

This movie clearly will have all the hallmarks of a modern Nic Cage movie. The shameless appropriation of a better film, but with a non-sensical plot element. The disheveled eccentricity of mad man. The silent brooding with overly intense line readings. The affordable co-star (a pig in this case). Sudden irrational violence. And, finally, a script that was passed over by everyone else. Look, I don’t know what else to tell you, it’s gonna be amazing. So strap in for John Wig… I mean Tacon… I mean Braveham… I mean National Treasure 2: Book of Spareribs… I mean Gone in 60 Segments… I mean Pig (THAT WAS THE ONE YOU PICKED). Please leave your pig based movie names in the comments.