Welcome to the second full week of NFL free agency, and there has not been any kind of slow down to the chaos. In a stunning move, the Chiefs traded superstar Tyreek Hill to the Dolphins, less than 24 hours after they signed the biggest (almost literally) free agent on the market, Terron Armstead. The Chiefs are clearly retooling to try and adjust to Patrick Mahomes’ new cap-hit, while the Dolphins take advantage of Tua’s low cap-hit. There are even rumors circulating (that I don’t believe) that the Dolphins might be the next stop for Tom Brady. We will see if Stephen Ross can finally get that secret yacht meeting he has been trying to get. Meanwhile, the rest of the NFL has been busy too…
Listicle of the Week: The most exciting moves1 of the offseason so far in increasing excitement. Number 11 will SHOCK you.
Terron Armstead - Miami Dolphins. Widely regarded as the top actual free agent available, Armstead left the Saints for the Dolphins, where he will be loved like no man has ever been loved if he can just stay healthy for 17 games and not suck.
Carson Wentz - Washington Commanders. He is better than what they had at QB, so there is a little excitement here. Still, unless he figures out how to stop making disaster plays, he will stay middle tier at best.
Von Miller - Buffalo Bills. This deal is as much about the Bills than Miller. The Bills are finally good enough to be a free agency destination, not just a draft and development outfit. Von will fill a big hole, and signifies the Bills status as top tier.
Khalil Mack - Los Angeles Chargers. Mack is one of the best defenders of the last ten years, and has been moved to LA. The question is, does he have anything left? If he does, pairing him with Joey Bosa will create a nightmarish cadre for QBs.
Allen Robinson - Los Angeles Rams. This move signifies that the Rams very much intend on pushing for a repeat. He is the top skill player that was a true free agent, and his move to LA keeps their wide receiver dominance in place.
Matt Ryan — Indianapolis Colts. Year five of Operation Stopgap post-Andrew-Luck is underway, as the Colts have once again settled on a short term option in lieu of actually drafting and developing a QB. The Colts are benefitting from the windfall of the Falcons blowing a 28-3 lead in the Deshaun Watson sweepstakes no should have been in.
Deshaun Watson - Cleveland Browns. The Browns “won” the right to pay 280 million dollars guaranteed to a man who is so clearly guilty of sexual abuse that they had to move around his salary so when he is inevitably suspended for his blatantly evil actions it won’t cost him any money. One of the grossest things I have ever seen in sports. It’s the equivalent of Netflix paying 280 million dollars tomorrow to Bill Cosby to produce a comedy special.
Davante Adams - Los Vegas Raiders. Adams is THE premier receiver in the league right now, and his move to the Raiders gives Derek Carr the weapon he has always needed. His contract was the largest WR contract in the NFL for about 5 minutes until number 9 happened. The only reason this is below the next two, is that those two were more surprising.
Tyreek Hill - Miami Dolphins. Out of nowhere, the Chiefs suddenly decided to not pay Tyreek Hill, and trade him to Miami, in what took about a day in the public eye. He also signed the biggest WR contract ever… so far. While we were waiting for the other shoe to drop in Green Bay for a while, this one blindsided us harder than Tyreek hitting one of his children.
Russell Wilson - Denver Broncos. This was also a big surprise as most folks had assumed that Wilson and the Seahawks had moved past last season’s dust up to resolve their differences. The Seahawks have decided on a rebuilding path, while the Broncos have gone all in, in a division where they STILL might be the fourth best team, even with Wilson.
My best tweet of the week:
Why the hell does Apple keep releasing new phone colors, and WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE CARE? Are people so independently wealthy that they just use their 1200 dollar cell phone naked for 2 months before they drop and shatter it and buy a new one? NO ONE I KNOW DOES THIS. We pay an extra 25 dollars to protect it in something that is a completely different color, shape and design TO SAVE 1175 DOLLARS. You can’t even get a clear protector since it will scratch a ton and look stupid. STOP MAKING NEW COLORS APPLE. How about you figure out how to make it cost less or harder to break instead. Save me your tribute to the armed forces and arm yourself for your inevitable confrontation with ME.
NBA Dunk of the Week: Deandre Jordan kills a man
It’s hard for young folks who watch Jordan amble around the court now to understand what a threat he was in his prime. Here, he just kills Brandon Knight, who I have literally not seen since this happened.
Tyreek Hill: Tyreek Hill2 looks like he ACTUALLY Runs the Jewels.
Terron Armstead: Terron Armstead looks like Atlanta.
Matt Ryan: Matt Ryan looks like the senior pastor of a church that uses a water metaphor in it’s name.3
Deshaun Watson: Deshaun Watson looks like a liar.
Urban Meyer: Urban Meyer4 looks like the young senator that is grandstanding against a bill to provide aide to orphans and war widows but quietly mumbles yay when the voice vote comes up because an attached rider gives his biggest constituent a 10 billion dollar tax break.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
Advice on how to overcome the fear of pooping in a plane’s bathroom? (name redacted)
The first step here might be the hardest actually, and that is identifying WHY you are afraid. Germs, the suction, the sounds being heard, the claustrophobia etc. are all reasons people cite. If you can identify WHY it bothers you, you can take the next step. I’m gonna identify the next phase, but it will vary how you go about each step based on the specific cause of your fear.
Education. Is the reason you are afraid valid based on likely reality. Germs might be a very valid concern. Being sucked down the toilet… less so. Find out how serious your concern really is.
Mitigate. Whatever risk there actually is, find a way to mitigate that. If it is germs, bring germ killing wipes. If it is sound, shove a silencer up your ass5.
Start small. Don’t poop the first time you go in. Start small with a pee. Work your way up to poop. Maybe use a fart sounding app but don’t actually poop to practice marinating in shame.
Celebrate. When you accomplish each step, reward yourself, but maybe not with Raisin Bran.
Acknowledge: If you have a set back, don’t blame yourself. Whatever the reason is, your feelings are your feelings. You can’t change your initial feeling. You can only work to move past it. Give yourself a break.
Would you please share your top five NFL players traded in their prime? @inventive_not
To be clear I am not counting post prime players like Joe Montana or Brett Farve or pre-prime players like John Elway or Brett Farve.
Khalil Mack traded to the Bears. Mack was a world-wrecking beast in the absolute apex of his career. The picks that the Raiders got back could never replace such an overwhelming player. Mack lead a dominant Bears defense for 5 seasons.
Eric Dickerson traded to the Colts. Dickerson was still in his prime when traded from the Rams to the Colts, and he delivered in his first two years there before being slowed by injury.
Mashall Faulk and Edgerrin James traded for each other. Both of these players were in their prime. Both remained elite post trade. Faulk in particular had some of the best RB seasons ever for the Rams.
Steve Young traded to the 49ers. After several years of elite USFL performance and time with the sad Bucs, Steve was traded on the precipice of his prime to the 49ers where he excelled.
Randy Moss traded to the Patriots. Probably the most talented player ever traded, Moss destroyed the NFL for multiple years with the Patriots before slowing down. That was also the best bargain in this group, as it was a mid-round pick the Raiders got back.
If all of the NFL teams with animals as mascots did a Battle Royale. Who would win and why? @AndrewC03764235
Fantastic questions. Let’s do a quick micro tournament.
Our last 126, the Patriot7, the Chief8, the 49er, The Raider, the Viking, a human Giant, a Commander, a Titan, a lightening bolt, an unmanned Jet, the rich Texan, and a Cowboy. Immediately the Patriot and Chief would eliminate each other out of sheer spite. If you don’t believe me, check this out. The Jet would get knocked out of the sky by a lightening bolt before anything could happen there. The Viking is actually Thor, so let’s assume he can harness that lightening bolt. The Cowboy, Raider and 49er go into a bar, get drunk of their ass and get shot by their Commander. The Titan, Viking and Giant immediately clash and wipe each other out in a brutal three-way. Finally, the Rich Texan signs one last check, pays off the armed services Commander, and collects his reward, a lifetime opposing immigrants in the Senate.
500K- but you gotta take one of these. Which do you choose. Why? -Ric Flair Chop -Rock Bottom -Hogan Leg Drop -Stone Cold Stunner @tweet_wes
Let’s review each. Hogan leg drop.
Huge risk of getting your face stuffed up his ass. NO
Stone Cold Stunner
So, he’s going to break my neck? That seems bad. NO. BTW, look at the sell job on this lol.
Rock Bottom
There is no way my back would ever recover from this. I might even die at my age. NO.
Ric Flair chop
This would definitely hurt with my weak tits, but I like this better than my other options. YES.
With St. Peter in The final 4, what’s been your favorite underdog sports story in the last decade? @therealfalcsgm
It’s Leicester City winning the English Premier League and it isn’t even close. Most upsets are one time surprises that fade quickly. Even the best of March Madness tourney runs end with a loss (at least for the last 10 years). Leicester City won a league where they were outspent at least 10-1. They were 5000-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!9 to win the league that season. Yet somehow, they assembled the perfect mix of players to win, not one or two games, but out of 38 matches, they won the MOST and won the whole damn league. This should be impossible the way the English Premier league is set up, but somehow it wasn’t. It’s one of the best sports stories ever.
How do I talk my Falcons loving friend off of the ledge? @TheRealMrDewey
Well, it’s hard to right now. The Falcons have had, by far, the worst offseason of any team. Calvin Ridley got banned for a full season for gambling so they can’t trade him or use him. The “lost” the Deshaun Watson sweepstakes at the last second when the Browns decided to guarantee a ridiculous contract that everyone in the industry views as a joke. This caused them to have to part ways with franchise icon Matt Ryan for… well… nothing10. Worse, the Falcons were trying to sign people and actually did, so they can’t even tank now. They are stuck in a division where tanking is impossible. So how can we help your friend? Three words. Kyle. Pitts. Highlights. That’s all I got. Sorry Falcons fans. You deserve better.
And Finally… Zach and I draft something.
This week, Zach and I drafted a football matchup of Simpsons’ characters. Three main rules. No Halloween episode characters, must appear in a minimum of 5 episodes, and you get the person who plays the characters (so Rainier Wolfcastle plays McBain and Radioactive Man). (Pick number in parenthesis)
The Shelbyville Monorails
Rainier Wolfcastle (1) TE, Bart Simpson (4) RB, Groundskeeper Willie (5) WR, Itchy (8) S, Dr. Nick Riviera (9) Coach, Troy McClure (12) QB, Santa’s Little Helper (13) CB, Bleeding Gums Murphy (16) OL, Kearney Zzyzwicz (17) DL, Jimbo Jones (20) LB
Cypress Creek Moccasins
Dredrick Tatum (2) LB, Chase/Pyro the American Gladiator (3) TE, Duffman (6) RB, Sideshow Bob (7) S, Snake Jailbird (10) CB, Nelson Muntz (11) QB, Eddie Muntz (14) OL, Homer Simpson (15) DL, Carl Carlson (18) WR, Ned Flanders (19) Coach.
Who’s team do you have winning??? Head over to the Duckpin Facebook page or the Duckpin Twitter page to vote!!!
Moves are not staying with your original team. They are MOVES.
Tyreek Hill is not a good person.
Waterspring. Lifefountain. Earthwell. Churchriver. OceanCross etc.
The latest news about his tenure in Jacksonville is simultaneously shocking and totally expected. He is now officially the worst NFL coach in history.
just kidding, but maybe some soothing music from your phone to offset.
WTF do you do with the COLOR Brown. The rest of them, I have getting eliminated. Sorry, but animals won’t beat humans in a Battle Royale, they can’t use tools.
Starring Heath Ledger this time
let’s say Red Jacket
By comparison, St. Peter’s was 1000-1 to win this year’s tournament
Nothing is Marcus Mariota’s birth name
I am not qualified to comment on The Simpsons related drafting because I don't know anything about those characters but I would definitely take Hogan's leg drop.
(Also WOW the sell on the stunner)