We are inching ever closer to the biggest sporting event of the year! Who will crowned champion to represent their city in the greatest show on earth! Survivor… uhhh, I mean the Super Bowl. Remember that time the weird naked guy won Survivor and it was a big deal lol. What was that, 30 years ago? At any rate, we will take a look at the best, the worst, and the blurst.
Listicle of the Week: My favorite Simpsons Episodes
We are taking a break from my overeager NFL analysis to look at my favorite show of all time. The Simpsons. While it has certainly hung around too long, I still love watching old episodes the way a 35 year old mom watches Friends reruns. It gives me a relaxation and peace that I assume most people get from weed. Here is my top 7. I’d love to hear your favorite if you have one.
You only Move Twice: Frequent Simpsons collaborator Albert Brooks makes an appearance as the voice of supervillain and tremendous boss Hank Scorpio. The reveal of Hank as a villain is tremendous, and Homer’s complete obliviousness to it as he struggles with his situation at home is perfect. The episode is highly relatable, and shows the Simpsons in a new element with different social statuses and problems which makes the episode really stand out.
Marge Vs. The Monorail: This Simpsons episode shows off the best of the Simpsons, with great guests, an appearance from Phil Hartman 1, a hilarious musical number, and the pillorying of group think. So many great jokes pepper the episode, and I think for most, season four is viewed as the pinnacle of the show. It’s the Simpsons in a nutshell.
And Maggie Makes Three: While still being funny at a number of points, this episode is more emotionally jarring than some of the other episodes on this list. I often love the flash back or flash forward episodes of the show, and in this flashback, we learn how Maggie lead the Simpsons to their current situation. Watching Homer give up the job of his dreams to go back to work at the plant for Maggie is the ultimate fatherly sacrifice. I relate so much to Homer in this episode and the final shot of his “demotivational plaque” is so heartwarming.
Cape Feare: I am not sure I have ever laughed harder at the Simpsons than watching Sideshow Bob (played to perfection by Kelsey Grammer) step on a dozen rakes. It’s a simple gag, played to perfect overkill. This is the zenith of Sideshow Bob, culminating in his operatic performance of the score of HMS Pinafore to once again serve as his undoing. The bit about Homer not being able to remember his new name “Mr. Thompson” also slays me every time.
Skinner’s Sense Of Snow: This episode is a great look at Seymour Skinner, the school kids and Homer and Ned’s relationship. It has so many great jokes. The above gif made me laugh harder than any one line that I can recall from The Simpsons. There are a ton of other great jokes in here however, including Lisa recognizing the sound of a silo tipping over, Ned’s ACDC Christian cover band ADBC, and a grinchy little movie with elves pitching woo and a misplaced stagehand.
22 Short Films About Springfield: The episode that encapsulated what a large universe Springfield had become, I love this episode because it really connects to the ADHD inside me. I love the obscure pop-culture reference that both inspired it, and the ones that are encapsulated within it. No show has ever tied in pop culture references better. And, of course, this includes the legendary steamed hams bit that remains a masterpiece of absurdity.
Treehouse of Horror V: I love all the Treehouses of Horror and they are my go-to way to enjoy Halloween. No list here would feel complete without one. Treehouse V includes a fantastic parody of the Shining, a magic toaster that causes some timeline problems and Nightmare Cafeteria, one the of the most actually horrific segments of the Simpsons. My favorite part is the repeated failures of Groundskeeper Willy across all 3 that made me laugh.
Rating the coaching hires so far:
Matt Eberfus to Chicago Bears: Not Good
I never got the feeling the Bears opening was being met with a lot of excitement by potential candidates. They have a defense on the decline, and offense that is going to be decided by whether or not Justin Fields is good, and their pick and cap situations aren’t great. As a result, they get a defensive minded coach (a negative when your whole situation depends on developing Justin Fields) who’s defense has never been all that great. While he did spend some time as a passing game coordinator for the Cowboys, I am worried this hire isn’t really going anywhere. It feels like a place holder until the situation is better and they can get someone better (like David Culley last year).
Nathaniel Hackett to Denver Broncos: Good (potentially excellent)
This grade depends on whether he can convince Aaron Rodgers to come to Denver. Even if he can’t I still think this is a good hire. He somehow squeezed passable play out of Blake Bortles before going to Green Bay and rejuvenating Aaron Rodgers. People forget that in the years before Hackett got there, Rodgers was pretty clearly in decline. While I hesitate to give Hackett a ton of credit, he should get some. The Broncos desperately needed an offensive mind to get that side of the ball going, and they got a good one.
Byron Leftwich to Jacksonville Jaguars : Good
I am not sure how much Byron can do with this group because they are so talent poor. It’s also not clear how much of the Bucs success falls to Byron. He was the OC of an offensive coach in Bruce Arians. The offense obviously improved when Tom Brady got there. Still there is some good here. First, Byron isn’t going to embarrass the Jaguars. He is a professional NFL coach. Second, he is affordable. Third, he has been learning from Arian, a very successful NFL coach. He has been learning from Tom Brady, a very good QB. He also had success with Jameis Wintson, even though Jameis’ terrible decision making lead to INTs. Finally, Byron knows Jacksonville, and I think that matters. He has to WANT to be there. I think he does.
Best Meme of the Week:
This wasn’t my meme, and it’s been posted in several places, so I don’t know where it started, but it is perfect. Man, I’m pretty sure any amount of time was literally too much time last weekend as the Bills and Chiefs put on a 2 minute drive clinic. It’s hard to look at the outcome of that game as an indictment of the Bills, as much as it felt like two Titans2 going at it and one having to stand down. Like Godzilla Vs. Kong, but good.
Last Week: 2-2
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Kansas City Chiefs:
Spread Pick: Bengals +7 Moneyline: Chiefs -335 Under 54.5
The Bengals have been money ATS so far in this playoffs, and I am going to keep riding that wave. They have a great offense that, at the very list, can backdoor cover against this shaky Chiefs secondary. Meanwhile, the Chiefs at home in the playoffs have been a juggernaut. I still think they find a way, even though the spread is probably too high. Tyrann Mathieu’s status looms large. If he can’t go, that secondary gets very soft in a big hurry. The Bengals played well against the Chiefs several weeks ago, but that was at home, with half the Chief’s line out. I think the outcome is different here.
San Francisco 49ers vs. Los Angeles Rams:
Spread pick: San Francisco 49ers +3.5 Los Angeles Rams -170 Over 46
Kyle Shanahan and the 49ers are the monkey Sean McVay can’t get off his back3. While both he and Shanahan have both had success and both been to a Super Bowl since they were assistants together in Washington, there is one thing Sean has never done. Beat a Kyle Shanahan coached team. He is 0-6. They lost twice in the regular season as well. This will be the ultimate test. If he can’t do it here, now, then this will be a pretty dark day in the Sean McVay feeling journal. I think they finally get over the hump, but only by the skin of their teeth. I think the Rams finally have enough and are at home. Matt Stafford’s journey of destiny continues.
So there you have it, I am calling for two spreads to be covered, but a different outright winner. This is pretty unlikely, but if it happens, you heard it here first.
Fun non-football item of the week:
I can’t go any farther with this column without sharing my favorite video in the history of the internet.
If you are like me and your pre-teen years were lit on fire by Jurassic Park, then this moment is seared into your brain, and now it is seared into your funny bone.
Requiem for a Team: Houston Texans
What went wrong? The Texans gutted their franchise in the offseason. The got rid of their coach. They accepted that they needed to move on from their star quarterback4 They tried to unload everything that wasn’t tied down before and during the season for draft picks. After all of that, they were never going to be good. It felt like an accomplishment that they won 4 games. So, nothing, but also, pretty much everything.
What do they need? They need to move on from Watson at the first meaningful opportunity. His name is weighing the franchise down, and the sooner he is out the door, the sooner everyone can move on. I understand why they couldn’t move him during the year, but this should be resolved this offseason. Other than that, they need virtually everything. They have almost no one who is a young different maker. They had one of the oldest rosters in the NFL this year despite rebuilding. They are starting from scratch.
Who should they draft? They should trade down if they can. This team needs an injection of youth at almost every position. There are no difference-making QBs in this draft that I can see. One player will not make this team better. If they can move down and acquire more picks, they should. I would ride another year with Davis Mills just because they need help elsewhere and he was ok last year.
Who should they sign? Once again, given their situation of needing to get younger, being bad, and having very little in the way of assets, signing players right now isn’t a big priority. I would continue signing guys to affordable contracts that are short, like they did this year. They also need to fight the urge to focus on whether potential players and coaches are evangelical Christians so that Jack Easterby will like them.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
In the pantheon of brutal Bills losses, where does the Chiefs game rank? @Brian Griffiths
Look away Bills fans. This one is going to sting a bit. I see 5 losses worse than this one. I will order them.
Wide right. The Bills lose the Super Bowl XXV on a last second miss from Scott Norwood. It can’t be worse than this. Losing a Super Bowl on the last play.
The WFT loss. The second Bills Super Bowl had to sting a ton too, because we didn’t know this was going to be a perennial issue. At the time, most thought the Bills just got unlucky. This game proved it was more than that.
The blowout loss. The third Bills Super Bowl really hurt. I know because I was in a room full of Bills fans and had to hide behind a chair while I quietly rooted for the Cowboys. This one hurt because of how embarrassing it was. I made sure to remind Bills fans as often as possible in the aftermath.
The Music City Miracle. I know the Bills lost a fourth Super Bowl, but by that point, pretty much everyone understood what was happening. The Music City Miracle certainly had less at stake, but I remember the feeling of injustice that swept over Bills faithful made it sting a lot more5. The Titans then coming 1 yard short of a Super Bowl win added even more agony. There were also Flutie Flakes involved.
Yes, they lost a fourth Super Bowl. I don’t even need to explain why this was painful. It’s a fourth consecutive lost Super Bowl.
Last weekend. I think this is where I would drop this in. It is fresh and raw, there is no question. But it was in the divisional round. We still don’t know what will happen with the Chiefs yet. There wasn’t a tremendous sense of a miscarriage of justice. It just… sucked. But it sure did suck a lot for Bills fans.
Dystopian future. Everybody is gone except NFL fan bases roaming the earth. Who are the 4 fan bases that rule over east, west, north, and south. Also which 2 fan bases are figuratively and literally eaten alive by the others being completely wiped off the face of the planet. @Dustfin13
I made a couple tweaks to this question, adding north and south, and taking away the limitation of Twitter. I am just going to address this wholesale. I am also assigning teams based on their divisions.
In the East, it’s Eagles fans. Eagles fans are out of their fucking minds. I am not sure there is a more unhinged group of people on earth than Eagles fans. Thank God they finally won the Super Bowl to take the edge off a little.
In the North, it’s Browns fans. They are also very unhinged. There is something about a group of people who get constantly shit on, coming together to fight the shitters, themselves, other teams, the Browns, strangers, and guests.
In the West, it would have been Raiders fans up until their move to Las Vegas, now, this one is a little more open ended. I think Chiefs fans have taken the mantle. Their recent success doesn’t change the decades of close but not quite that birthed their passion.
In the South, it’s Saints fans, just ahead of Falcons fans. I think there are more Saints fans, and while both fan bases are jaded, Saints fans blame everyone else, and Falcons fans blame themselves and the Falcons. That anger at others will give the Saints an edge.
The two fan bases getting destroyed are the Chargers, who are an afterthought in their new city, and the Texans, many of whom are actually Cowboys fans and would immediately leave for the Cowboys at the first sign of missing the playoffs/disaster.
You can only listen to one song from each of the following decades for the rest of your life what are they: 80’s 90’ 00’ 10’ (I’ll add 20’s too) . So these are only 4 (5) songs you can listen to for eternity. What are you choosing? @RealFalcsGM
This is tough. I am looking for a song that is upbeat. I am not looking to depress the hell out of myself for eternity. I am looking for length and variety. Remember, I only get 4 songs. I don’t want them to be the same genre, or that will get stale. Finally, this is personal, so it probably won’t be songs you are super familiar with, so you will have to live with me be self absorbed here.
80s: Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. This song is pretty played out but guess what, any song you pick will be played out by the time eternity is over. I STILL enjoy this song, after already hearing it a million times.
90s: Everlong by Foo Fighters. My favorite song from the 90s by my favorite band. I might choose the acoustic cover just to get away from two rock heavy songs.
00’s: What’s Golden by Jurassic 5. I need some hip hop and this is a sweet, upbeat mix that always lifts me up. It’s my ringtone when my volume is up on my phone, so never.
10’s: Ulysses by Josh Garrels. My favorite individual musician, I find a lot of myself and my own feelings in Josh’s music. It’s Christian music, so if that bothers you, it might not be for you. I am a Christian though, so I like it.
20’s: Starting Over by Chris Stapleton. I will enjoy having some country in the mix thanks to Christ Stapleton. This song hits me for a lot of reasons.
What is the best nut to eat as a snack? @mbernadette
Just straight up nut, it’s a pistachio for me. In shell or out doesn’t matter a whole lot to me, but if there is one thing that drives me bananas it’s the ones that don’t pre-crack when they heat them. Those MFers are hard as hell. You gotta use a damn hammer. It’s worth it. The rest of my top 5 in order: macadamia, cashew, pecan, brazil. Dead last, hazel nut. If we want to add spices or do a mix, it’s spicy/sweet cajun mix with those sweet peanuts/honey sticks/corns etc.
Who do YOU want to be the next Dolphins coach? Former Intern Nate
I have been trying to avoid giving a strong opinion here, because I honestly don’t feel I am the most qualified to decide this, and I am going to want to support whoever gets picked and not play the “I told you so” game that jerks play. Still, I will do it, since I was asked. I would like it to be Mike McDaniel by a nose over Brian Daboll. I think it needs to be an offensive coach first and foremost. I have filled this space with why I think that is important. Second, I think the offense that Mike works with Kyle Shanahan on in SF is better for Tua than the one Brian Daboll runs in Buffalo. Jimmy Garoppolo is a very similar profile to Tua. Josh Allen is definitely not. I am concerned by Mike’s lack of experience, but with a strong OC, paired with the current defensive staff, I think they can create a good team.
What is the best vitamin? @cincyradiohead
D. I always need more vitamin D because I am always depressed. And it is one of the harder one’s to get too. I don’t really love mushrooms. You gotta love a vitamin you can get by just standing outside though don’t you. I love being outside and not being depressed, and vitamin D is there for me with both.
Since it is football season still... Greatest football game of ALL TIME! @skip727
My most loyal reader, Skip, brings up a good question in the wake of the Bills Chiefs game that was certainly fantastic. There a few things to consider here. One is the stakes. The more important the game, the more meaningful and exciting the result. The quality of the play. This is important. A 6-3 game or a 50-49 game might be close, but if one side of the ball played like shit, it’s not really that great. We need big plays from everybody on both sides too. Were there signature plays? Finally, we need to consider the lasting impact. Do people remember it? How do both fan bases feel about it? If one fan base feels like shit, it’s not really a great game. It needs to be like the Chiefs/Bills game where it feels like both teams really left it all on the field. My nomination based on all of this is Super Bowl XXLII. The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Arizona Cardinals was the best football game I have seen. It was a wild back and forth affair. Huge plays were made on both sides of the ball. There were a lot of points, but it felt like the defenses still had a huge impact. There are actually several very memorable plays. James Harrisons INT, the deep pass to Larry Fitzgerald from Kurt Warner, and, of course, the signature pass from Ben Roethlisberger to Santonio Holmes that was perfect to win as time expired. I can’t think of a better mix of all our factors, and it comes on a good day, as the author of that finale, Big Ben, retired today.
who was hilarious before his passing playing characters like Lyle Langley, Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz
Not Tennessee Titans, those Titans don’t have a good QB.
This article provides a very nice context on their respective runs and has a lot of deeper info for hardcore football junkies.
Who then destroyed his trade value by committing a serious of heinous sex acts.
There was a very strong belief the pass went forward, and the video evidence doesn’t exactly dispel that notion.
Being slightly older than most, I still think the 1958 NFL Championship game is the GREATEST Game ever played but Cards V Steelers is another good choice.
Look I KNEW what the video clip was gonna be and yet I laughed so hard there was almost a risk of shaken baby syndrome. It's just so damn perfect.