NFL Mystery box is back, and we are gearing up for NFL free agency. Next week at this time we will be kicking of a massive spending spree. With the cap going up almost 30 million, most teams will have room to spend once they reconfigure a few contracts. It’s a good year to be available. Some players will attract a lot of attention. Others… not so much. Today, we will look at that, breakdown each player carefully, talk about landing spot, and carefully examine the cap ramifications. Just kidding, did you think this was Bill Barnwell? We are gonna do WEIRD SHIT.
Listicle of the Week: The 10 most interesting NFL free agents
J.C. Jackson. J.C. is interesting because there are not a lot of young cornerbacks with his pedigree that become available. While there are still holes in his game, he is a ball hawk with upside left. He has made it clear he wants the respect that being highly paid affords you more than winning, so I am guessing he is looking for a BIG bank. If he wants revenge with his bank, I know just the spot.
My pick: NY Jets.
Tyrann Mathieu. The Honey Badger has likely priced himself out of K.C. He has become increasingly injury prone, but his leadership ability in a secondary is second to none. I think he still has value for an up and coming team looking for more defensive leadership.
My pick: Baltimore Ravens.
Allen Robinson. Allen is not likely to be tagged by the Bears ago, as it would be cost prohibitive. Allen is a big bodied receiver with route running chops who has been handicapped by bad QBs in a bad offense. Call it a hunch, but this would make an interesting Devante Adams replacement.
My Pick: Green Bay Packers
Ryan Jensen. An elite center, Jensen may be one that gets away from Tampa Bay, as they are going to struggle to keep everyone at this point. He will attract a lot of attention from offensive line starved teams. The teams who need him the most are Pittsburgh and Miami, but Miami has more cap space.
My Pick: Miami Dolphins
Brandon Scherff. An elite guard, Scherff is still young enough to command big bucks on the market, and can finally leave the Commanders after double franchise tags. I suspect this is where the Steelers will strike.
My Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Haason Reddick. It’s surprising a player getting 12 sacks a year has generated such little interest the last 2 years, but last year, he had to sign a prove it deal… after proving it. He proved it again this past year. Now what?
My pick: Atlanta Falcons. They put that Ridley salary to good use.
Rob Gronkowski. Is he done? He hasn’t made that clear. If he isn’t done, then where will he go without his bosom buddy? My hunch is, he wants to win a Super Bowl still. I think I know the perfect fan base for him.
My pick: Buffalo Bills
Terron Armstead. The massive tackle is going to command a huge salary and only a couple teams will be able to match it. I think the Jaguars out spend the Dolphins here to protect their franchise asset.
My pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
Odell Beckham Jr. While his play no longer matches the hype, he is still a really good player, and can still help a team. I am very interested to see what happens to him with his injuries, talent, attitude and history all packaged together. This feels like another 1 year prove it deal.
My pick: Baltimore Ravens
Bobby Wagner. A new addition thanks to his release from the Seahawks who are moving into a rebuild. Bobby is still playing near an elite level, but is clearly starting to decline. The Seahawks defense has been bad in recent years, but it takes more than one player to be good. Bobby will get a lot of attention, perhaps from the worst team in the NFL against the run last year.
My pick:
San DiegoLos Angeles Chargers
My best tweet of the week:
People bitching about gas prices are already getting on my nerves1, but this is really a bit much. I am not even sure where to begin, but I know he could have begun by not sending this stupid tweet.
Today we honor the worst bet of the season. Congratulations, Calvin Ridley, you lost a over 10 million dollars on 1,500 dollars’ worth of parlays. Calvin, who spent most of last season sidelined for what was described as mental health issues, was suspended by the NFL for the upcoming season for betting on games. There are a lot of angles to look a here, so let’s pick the top 3.
There is no way this was Calvin’s first time betting money or betting on the NFL. The NFL caught him, because he used a legal betting app in Florida, but, he spends almost all of his time in Georgia and, previously, Alabama, where there is no legal gambling. I find it impossible to believe that the very first time in his life he decided to place a bet, he did it on an app the NFL tracks while visiting a different state. If the NFL can find any proof he did it before then (illegally), he might never play again.
I have already started seeing pushback that this is unfair or that it is ridiculous that his suspension is longer than a domestic abuser2. This is nonsense. The NFL CANNOT allow it’s players to bet on games. Betting is highly regulated and it is a serious crime to alter game results. The NFL would lose all credibility if players started affecting the outcomes of games they were betting on3. As far as suspension length, the NFL is not a court. Domestic violence is handled by the judicial system. They should be the one imposing punishments. The NFL adding stuff beyond that is a cherry on top. The NFL is responsible to punish players gambling on their sport, not a court. The suspension reflects that added weight. So stop acting like the NFL is being ridiculous here. It is not asking too much of players to not bet on the NFL. I don’t care if gambling companies sponsor the NFL. JUST DON’T DO IT. We don’t complain when a player gets a DUI that a beer company sponsors the NFL. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.
Everyone, including me, thought it was funny he would pick the FALCONS of all teams to win, but the bet turns out to be even funnier than that. He was confident in the Falcons… BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING URBAN MEYER! That’s right, Urban is such a bad coach an NFL player risked (and received) a suspension just to bet against Urban. Urban was THAT bad of a coach and the players knew it.
BONUS ROUND. I genuinely hope Calvin takes this time to turn his life around. He struggled for whatever reason last year, and was clearly making bad decisions. Following this announcement, he was clearly in denial about what happened and quickly slipped into a series of excuses. I hope someone close to him can connect with him and start him down a new path.
Book David Grann recommendation of the week: Killers of the Flower Moon
Before Hollywood can ruin the book by releasing the movie, read Killers of the Flower Moon. A very carefully researched, very true story of the Oklahoma land rush, the Osage nation’s oil discovery, the founding of the FBI, and a shocking multi-murder mystery rolled into one, this book is pinnacle reading material. Better than most works of fiction, this book will hold your interest all the way through to a fairly shocking conclusion. I love how carefully David researches his work, and how thorough the retelling is. He is a brilliant author, and this section will probably just devolve into me recommending all his books.
NBA dunk highlight that I like: The greatest in-competition dunk I have ever seen. Still. The stakes were the Olympics. The player dunked over actually made the NBA and was 7 feet tall. Peak dunking Vince who still had hair. KG to hype it up post-dunk. Pinnacle stank face. I love it all.
We play with all the QBs traded or resigning this week. And Calvin Ridley.
Russell Wilson: Your wife's new boyfriend who is always perfectly groomed, handsome, and smells great. He hasn't met the kids yet, but you know they will love him. Deep down, you are stoked that he is gonna end up looking just like you in 6 months when he actually has to parent children.
Carson Wentz: A professional rodeo clown.
Aaron Rodgers: A criminal oil tycoon in a lifetime movie.
Calvin Ridley: The best looking Kodak Black clone.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
What are some foods you wish tasted better when reheated? Like for example chicken is great reheated but French fries reheated can (*do something unpleasant). @fart1ng_un1corn
I LOVE cold pizza. Much better than reheated. It IS possible to reheat pizza well, but it never is quite the same again, ESPECIALLY if you get that good pizzeria pizza. Fries are bad, although @MbernadetteE had a “hot” tip of using an air fryer. Eggs are usually pretty terrible the second time. I think my number one pick here, though, would be waffles/pancakes. I always make extra and they are never as good again.
What historic athlete would thrive in today's environment? @inventive_not
I love this question and I will do one for every sport. I will try not to pick people who are not obvious superstars. I will go after guys who are a little under the radar.
NBA: Drazen Petrovic. Drazen was before his time, an elite three point bomber who’s defense wasn’t quite NBA ready. Had he not died in a tragic car accident, I often wonder if he would have been our first Steph Curry, he was that kind of a gifted shooter. Teams didn’t really understand how valuable that was back then, and teams could be a lot more physical. He would have KILLED it today with current spacing and contact rules.
NFL: Jim Thorpe. Just click the link. Look. I put this here just to educate you young MFers about the legend. He was the best athlete of the first 50 years of the 20th century, and yes, he would still be great today, since he was also the greatest athlete IN THE WORLD at the time. His life history is also fascinating, coming from the Sac and Fox tribe in what is now Oklahoma (ties in with our book recommendation a little bit).
NHL: Paul Kariya. Paul was born just a little bit too early. A really great player in his own right, he played in the trap era of the 90s when players could basically be killed without ramifications and he nearly was in the Stanley Cup finals by Scott Stevens.4 If he played today in the more wide open, less brutal game, he would be tremendous, and he might not have had to retire early from concussions.
MLB: Barry Bonds. Barry makes me sad in a weird way. I know he was a tremendous dick. I think a lot of what made Barry Barry was the steroids. It is pretty clear that Barry decided to start taking steroids when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa took them and magically became better than him. In an act of bitterness, Barry took them too and became great. Maybe the greatest ever. He also ruined his reputation as a player and person. If he was here today, he COULDN’T take them. We could see a player who was still absolutely incredible, but maybe wouldn’t have some of the same mood issues, anger, and his reputation wouldn’t be destroyed. He would thrive in this era, too. He could be the first true 2 outcome player.
What is the best temperature/setting to eat a pop tart: raw, toasted, frozen? @MbernadetteE
I have never tried frozen, but I prefer them cold. That stuff in the middle turns into molten GD lava if you toast it well. I just don’t like running the risk of having a full on face melting incident like at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Biting into a freshly toasted pop tart is basically like opening the Ark of the Covenant. I want to try frozen now though.
What is the greatest sports nickname of all-time? ie Magic Johnson, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, or Babe Ruth The Sultan of Swat. @cockofthewalk00
Again by sport:
MLB: Former Indians manager and pitcher Mike Hargrove “The Human Rain Delay”
NFL: Dick “Night Train” Lane. For whatever reason, this sounds terrifying. The NYC subway is terrifying at night.
NBA: Shawn Kemp. Reign Man, a great pun on Seattle’s state weather.
NHL: Stu “The Grim Reaper” Grimson. It worked, trust me.
If you started franchise mode on Madden, which rebuilding team would you take over? @briangriffiths
I’d immediately answer the Eagles, but they made the playoffs, so I guess that aren’t really rebuilding. I will stick to teams in the bottom 5 teams last year. I would be the Jaguars. They are the only one that I think MIGHT have an answer at quarterback. I think Urban Meyer held that team back last year, and they are better than their record.5
If NBA was the NFL: You got a 3rd and 10 to win the Super Bowl- which NBA player is passing the ball and which NBA player you got catching it? @Tweet_Wes
I’ve got peak Allen Iverson (a terrifyingly great HS QB) throwing to peak Lebron James (who is often discussed as a potential TE in the NFL had he chosen that route). I just don’t see how you could catch AI, and eventually he is tossing it literally anywhere, where Lebron just outmuscles/outjumps everyone else. If we are just picking from current guys, I’d want Nikola Jokic throwing (great passer who can see over the defense and move through progressions) to Ja Morant. I’ve seen what he can do with a lob.
We have hardly scratched the surface on both the deep sea and deep space. Technology isn’t a barrier, which would you rather explore and make discovery in and ideally what do you hope to find? @therealfalcs GM.
I LOVE deep sea exploration, and there is so much to find out about. Still, I think deep space exploration offers a much wider range of things we could find. Livable planets, new elements, intelligent or unintelligent life, God, Bender Rodriguez, and so much more. I’m probably too limited in just what I can imagine.6
…And Finally: Thanks for helping me grow this column. I dream of the day when this column brings a big group of us together to talk sports and life in a fun way without all the hate and bored that regular sports talk brings. Everyday it feels like that group gets a little larger. The last two articles were my biggest two NFL articles so far. I know many of you have shared this with your friends or family and THANK YOU. Sincerely.
We get it. It sucks.
Richard Sherman being the latest example that is being held up.
And that would go TRIPLE for an owner such as Stephen Ross
Suck a dick Scott Stevens.
The Giants would probably be next in Madden, because people overvalue their players because they play in NY.
I also think we need to figure out new places to live, because we are ruining this one pretty quickly.
NFL Mystery Box: NFL Free Agency
"Biting into a freshly toasted pop tart is basically like opening the Ark of the Covenant."
I knew you would not disappoint here. For what it's worth I have not tried any Pop-Tarts frozen but the boxes I keep buying insist that that is a way people eat them so...good luck. I'm thinking the chocolate chip cookie dough ones would really succeed here.