Welcome to the NFL offseason! Man, what a good Super Bowl. The Rams celebrated the culmination of an aggressive strategy of selling the future to win now. As we move forward in the NFL we will see a lot of changes this offseason, and the chaos has already begun. However, since it is the offseason, we will lighten up our NFL coverage a little bit to make even more room for more extracurricular nonsense and other sports.
Listicle of the week: 10 Best Sci-Fi Movies of the past 20 years
I am a connoisseur of Sci-fi, and I absolutely love a good Sci-fi movie above and beyond pretty much anything. I thought it would be fun to assemble my favorites here. I am not really saying these are definitively THE best sci-fi movies, but they are my favorites from the last 20 years.
Blade Runner 2049: Likely an unpopular pick, I thought this film was viscerally and visually stunning (and unsettling) in ways we rarely see. It was well acted throughout (except Harrison Ford who continues to get paid to appear on sets and sigh his way through things).
Inception: Another visually stunning film, Inception mixed action with a science fiction premise that turned reality on its head in what might be considered a modern retelling of the Matrix (lol).
Arrival: A surprisingly simple (and very, very complex) concept, in a largely static location creates a brilliant film that challenges our notion of time as a construct. Amy Adams absolutely crushes her role, forcing a grounded humanity on an otherworldly project.
Ex Machina: A beautifully shot film that is also an elaborate bottle episode. Oscar Isaac (the new Harrison Ford of Sci-Fi) puts in a master work performance along with Alicia Vikander who is stunning on the merits of her face acting alone.
Wall E: A rare brilliant animated Sci-fi masterpiece (the best since Iron Giant). Wall E uses beautiful animation to illuminate concerns about a deteriorating planet and deteriorating human spirit, and offers a hopeful but realistic guide to restoration.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Another film using a Sci-Fi premise to alter the human experience and show us the challenges of memory, pain, suffering, and the value of experience. The farther I get into life and suffering, the better I understand every part of this movie.
Annihilation: A film that is equal parts horrifying, beautiful, and… confusing. I am still trying to process it, but I am too scared to watch that bear again. That GD bear is one of the 5 most f***ed up things I have seen in a movie. Ursa Major indeed. And… more Oscar Isaac who is almost as creepy as the bear. (JK, THE BEAR IS HORRIFYING).
Children of Men: An underrated masterpiece set in the not too distant future, there are several stunning twists, but more importantly, the film itself is brilliantly shot with an extended shot in a war zone that is crafted to perfection. An early look at the genius of Alfonso Cuaron1.
District 9: A clever look at apartheid through the lens of Sci-fi. The visuals created by this film are so well done for it’s era. The story is haunting, and plays at how we view what makes us human… and inhuman.
Edge of Tomorrow: A very fun way to spend two hours, this one is the only one on this list that I would consider a comedy, because very, very few things in life are funnier than Tom Cruise getting shot in the face over and over by a BAAAADASSSS Emily Blunt.
Tweet of the Week: A lengthy missive that misses the mark
Kyler Murray’s “agent” released a statement this week concerning Kyler’s goal to… be signed to a large contract extension. This comes at an awkward time for the Cardinals and Kyler, as he played horribly in his last game (a quick exit at the hands of the division foe Rams). As you can see from this long, rambling, dragging statement, Murray is trying to obfuscate his goals with some team-friendly language and redirection. Now, I don’t mind players wanting to get what they are worth (or more!). DO IT. It’s a brutal game, and every game could be your last. But does having a 50 million a year QB actually help the team? Should Arizona agree? Let’s think about it. The average salary cap hit for a Super Bowl QB the last 10 years is… 12 million. And this includes higher paid QBs that didn’t play, like Carson Wentz (Nick Foles) and Alex Smith (Colin Kaepernick). Only two players were in the top 5 of quarterback pay when their team played in the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning and Matt Ryan. The other 18 were all lower than 5, sometimes MUCH lower (Foles, Russell Wilson, and Colin Kaerpernick were all around 1 million or less). The idea of making the Super Bowl with Kyler Murray making 50 million is ludicrous. Not because he isn’t good. I think the problem is that what is left to build a team around him simply won’t be enough. The Cardinals are right to be hesitant in my opinion. I think Kyler can drive some winning, but not 50 mil worth.
We might have to rename this segment next season after I crushed the Super Bowl.
I was right about the following things:
The under, Bengals to cover the spread, Rams Money line, Odell TD, Tyler Boyd over 40 receiving yards, Rams getting the most sacks and how sexy Andrew Whitworth is.
The only miss was MVP. Wow. Now that’s pretty damn good. I actually had a very good postseason overall. We don’t have any more games to bet2, but we have something else instead. Next season’s Super Bowl favorites. Based on the odds right now, here are my top 5 picks.
+700 Buffalo Bills. The Bills had very unfortunate luck in one score games this season, losing all but 1 in the regular season (and their only one of the playoffs). Typically, this is indeed just bad luck, and reverses course the following year. I think they can ride this course reversal into the number one seed next season and good Super Bowl odds.
+1600 (averaged) Cincinnati Bengals. I think the Bengals are a long shot to repeat, but the odds here are pretty good, coupled with a ton of cap space to fix holes on the offensive line. They were basically a coin flip in every playoff game, but their kicker helps tilt those coin flips. Burrow and Chase have another year under their belt too.
+1500 San Francisco. The 49ers will likely be breaking in a new QB, but Kyle Shanahan can usually find success with pretty much any QB. The NFC is going to be WIIIIDE open next year, and they have the key pieces in place to make another Super Bowl run. Meanwhile, a whole lot of the NFC gets worse, including the Rams, Bucs, Packers, and Saints. The only team that could have gotten better there was the Cowboys, but… they kept Mike McCarthy.
+4000 Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles have the cap space and picks to add a better QB to their mix. If they do, they already have a solid defense and run game. This is a team that could surprise, and, like I said, the NFC is wide open.
+7000 Pittsburgh Steelers. I know this one is a REAL long shot, but Mike Tomlin always has the Steelers playing competitive ball. It’s hard to imagine them ever missing the playoffs, and getting +7000 for a playoff team is a bargain.
By the way… do you see the trend? Teams with cheap QBs. If you can find effective play at QB for a bargain price, you can make the Super Bowl with a great team around them.
My best tweet of the week:
It’s NBA time! With the NFL taking a little hiatus till free agency and the draft, I like to enjoy some NBA basketball. That means I have to watch my beloved Orlando Magic. Here is a great episode of the Sitcom I am titling, All Our Players Are 23 And Under. By the way, if you can, give blood to the Red Cross. They really need it right now.
It’s time for another round thanks to that final push of NFL hires!
Lovie Smith Houston Texans: Lovie Smith looks like he says he “doesn’t suffer fools” all the damn time.
Dennis Allen New Orleans Saints: Dennis Allen looks like the actuary who declares that your brand new Toyata Rav 4 is worth half of what it cost you 2 months ago because he saw some scratches that weren’t caused by the accident.
Mike McDaniel Miami Dolphins: Mike looks like he hosts a podcast on the positive effects of communism and communal living from his own home’s basement. It has 48 listeners.
Doug Pederson Jacksonville Jaguars: Doug Pederson looks like he decided to take an early retirement and move to Florida. All it cost him to retire early was that he has to live in Jacksonville instead of Siesta Key.
Streaming Recommendation of the Week: The Donut King (Hulu)
My favorite documentary I have seen this year (yes, even a clown like me enjoys documentaries), the Donut King is a fascinating portrayal of humanity that revealed a number of things I never new about the donut industry on the west coast, Cambodian history, and is so full of food porn I almost exploded. The movie follows the life of Ted Ngoy, a refugee who created a massive donut empire. There are fascinating twists and turns to the story that show how complicated being a human being is. In a world where people are quickly cancelled and uncancelled, I enjoy the notion that people are just people. We do good. We do bad. We try. We succeed. We fail. We bounce back.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
Aliens invade the earth. They tell earth to nominate 4 champions to represent the earth and to fight for earth honor. If earth wins they get new tech they haven’t yet developed. If they lose aliens go away forever and will never return. So the events are here: 1.hand to hand combat 2. Make a piece of art/music/poetry etc. 3. Solve a puzzle/Brain teaser/riddle in set amount of time 4. Some difficult test of morality. Who are you taking? @therealfalcsgm3
This is a fantastic question, and exactly why I have this segment.
Khabib Nurmagomedov. Maybe you haven’t heard of him. He recently retired from the MMA in his absolute prime without ever having lost. He is a 100 percent focused mauling and brawling machine with perfect technique. Even though he retired recently he would be my pick since he is still at his peak. MMA comes the closest to real life fighting. Since no weapons would be allowed, this is my pick.
Banksy. It might be tricky to track him down, since no one “knows” who he is. As someone who has their office in the back of a gift shop, however, I would choose this multi talented mind who seems to be able to make art using just about anything, lampoon art, and make music4.
Edward Witten. With Stephen Hawking sadly gone, we move to Edward Witten, the mathematician who is famous for his work on what I call the “Josh Allen”5 theory, but he calls the “string” theory. Tomato Tomatoe, I say.
Dalai Lama. This is a tough call, and I hesitate to get religious, but I have noticed that the Dalai Lama is indeed a very wise, peaceful man, who is surprisingly humble given his position. His connection with Aaron Rodgers is deeply concerning, but I am guessing he has to interact with a lot of jackasses at his job just like the rest of us.
Dukes of Hazzard or A-team? Which has better characters, better writing, better theme song, etc? @cockofthewalk00
I ride HARD with the A-team. First, I am a northerner, so I don’t really understand some of the southern stuff going on in Dukes. Second, I grew up in a conservative household, so the concept of “daisy dukes” was frowned upon, so I didn’t get to see that one as much. Third: the theme song for A-team is INCREDIBLE. To this day, I STILL get it stuck in my head for no good reason. I haven’t seen that shit in 30 years unless you count the awful movie. A Team was so fun, clever, and joyful, it almost made you forget how horrible the lives of most post war vets actually are. AND MR T????? Are you kidding me? HE HAD HIS OWN DAMN CHIA PET. HE WAS CLUBBER LANG. Ain’t no Dukes of Hazzard Chia Pet. Ain’t no Clubber Duke. Finally, the obvious imagery of the confederate flag on the car hasn’t aged too well. I am not going to go on and on about it. It was a different time. Still, it’s… not great. Verdict: A-Team
Why are the MLB owners killing their product? @inventive_not
First, right out of the gate, I have turned HARD on baseball. I used to love the Cleveland Indians/Guardians. Then, they just turned into another penny-pinching dud farm. I don’t have the free time to support any team that isn’t serious about trying to win. Baseball as a whole has a MYRIAD of issues, but a large number of teams without the resources and commitment to compete is one of them. The answer to why the owners are so relaxed about killing baseball and enjoying the strike is two-fold. First, they have already killed baseball several times, including cancelling the World Series. People ALWAYS come back. Second, the way these teams make money now is not by playing. It’s by simply accumulating equity on a product (a baseball team) that is returning value like nothing else. The MIAMI MARLINS, a joke franchise that has no interest in being competitive with the major teams, and supposedly made no money, just returned 1 BILLION dollars to one of the worst owners ever. The less they have to pay to players while they sit back and watch the franchise rapidly accrue value, the better for them. They have the advantage, and they know it. Players have to play to have value. That’s it. Franchises are valuable just because they exist.
What pre-1960 NBA city would be the most interesting to have a team in the modern NBA? @briangriffiths
This is actually pretty easy. It’s St. Louis. It’s a major city that could easily support a modern team, and they already have a title on record. That isn’t the interesting part of the story though. This is. The NBA St. Louis Hawks left for Atlanta long before the hey-day of the NBA, but the ABA Spirits were very close to being in the modern NBA. However, the NBA didn’t want too many ABA teams to be in the NBA, so they asked a couple to fold. One of them, the Spirits, agreed to… for a price. What was that price, you ask? 1/7th of all TV rights of this small league that barely had a television audience or exposure. FOREVER. As I am sure you can guess, that amount exploded, and a team the Spirit’s owners purchased for million dollars eventually netted them around a billion dollars. Basically the Bobby Bonilla deal times a billion. WOW.
With the NFL combine this week what would be your best and worst event? and what weird question would you ask prospects in the interview to see what their reaction is? @J_Kartch
My best event would probably be cones now that the Wonderlic is gone6. I have a low center of gravity, and using start stop acceleration is how I have made up for a horribly slow top speed. Based on this you would assume the 40 would be my worst event, but I can guarantee I can run 40 yards. No WAY I can bench press 225 even once. Honorable mention to getting your picture taken with just your underwear on, because I would also do pretty terribly at that. I would ask what they do with their shopping cart when they are done shopping. If you don’t take that shit back to the corral, I don’t trust you to take it to the house.
What’s softer?…Dudes who eat boneless chix wings? or dudes who go tanning?? @cincyradiohead
BONELESS CHICKEN WINGS ARE BULLSHIT. Calling your chicken nug nugs a wing is just about the softest thing possible. You can’t gnaw around a bone? What are you 4? But we have covered this previously, so I won’t rehash. Tanning is less soft to me (although I wouldn’t do it). 3 reasons why.
It’s very relaxing from what I have been told, and it’s a nice substitute for meditation
It’s a way to prevent yourself from turning into a lobster like some people7 do when they go to the beach, so I kinda get that8.
I only have two, but you can’t make a bullet point list of two things.
When Dwight Howard inevitably gets into the Hall of Fame. Who do you think will do the honor of introducing him/who should do the honor? @_aguynamedjon
The ONLY answer is Stan Van Gundy. And it’s not close. Apparently they are very close, as you can see from the hug in this clip. In all seriousness, they have worked out any lingering issues and are reportedly friends. If not him, then the CEO of Hershey’s.
Who is the most influential NBA player in the last 20 years and why is it Allen Iverson? @hoopstalk13
I would say Allen was the most influential off the court, with the rise of And 1 mixtape, Slam and hoops going urban in ways it never had before. AI made being from the street cool in ways it wasn’t anywhere else in sports. On the court it’s Steph Curry. Steph completely changed the way the game is played on every level. He made burying a logo three cooler than a dunk. Kids everywhere stopped wanting to dunk all over everyone and now hoist J’s they have no business hoisting. While the three was becoming more popular before Steph, he put it in overdrive, and his effect on the game changed what we value. He showed pulling defensive players away from the basket, instead of focusing on a big who draws the defense closer to the basket, can make your offense more efficient. Now, it’s all teams look to do.
… And Finally: Zach and I draft something
Today’s draft plays along with the NBA tilt of this column. We drafted teams to see who will pick the NBA champion. Simple snake draft where one of us went first, the other got next 2 and so on. Who do you think has the winner on their team? Who has the best picks?
El Padre: Phoenix Suns, Milwaukee Bucks, Boston Celtics, Memphis Grizzlies, Brooklyn Nets, Denver Nuggets and Dallas Mavericks
Zach: Golden State Warriors, Philadelphia 76ers, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers, Utah Jazz and Orlando Magic Cleveland Cavaliers.
That’s it! I want to offer a special thank you to those of you who shared my Super Bowl piece, we got almost 100 readers! A record for the Mystery Box! Thank you for reading!
Sorry Alfonso, I spent more time than I am willing to admit trying to figure out how to get an accent on that last o. You deserve it.
Or me to brag about getting correct in an obnoxious manner. BTW, let’s not talk about last season’s Super Bowl.
If you didn’t note, the “Falcs GM” Nabil has a podcast with his friend Lucas that I enjoyed. Get it here if you Spotify.
Many speculate Bansky is Robert Del Naja of the band Massive Attack.
I called it the Josh Allen theory because I believe there are many different universes where Josh Allen has confirmed every single thing every written about him from complete bust to the greatest QB to ever live.
It’s not that I am mind blowingly smart, it’s that I am mind-blowingly unathletic compared to NFL players. I am guessing we are similarly intelligent.
I have done research into this physically
Just kidding, I don’t. Use sunscreen idiots.