It’s here. The “big game”. The Bengals and Rams are going at it, with the pride of Cincinnati and a small portion of LA on the line. There is a lot to talk about, and I didn’t spend half of this season writing this column not to bring it strong on the last Sunday of the football calendar. So this WILL be good (guarantee void in Tennessee). Let’s not waste any more time. Let’s DO IT.
Listicle of the week: Super Bowl seX-Factors
Everyone can tell you who the X-factors are going to be, but who are seX-Factors in the game? And how distracted will the other players be, trying not to be attracted to them? An investigation.
Joe Burrow: Joe Burrow is already known for having what the kids called “drip” (until this precise moment when it just now became very uncool, so they will need to figure out something else). He is young (not really), hot (not really), and sexy (YES). Joe carries himself with the kind of swagger only a man who won an NCAA championship with the greatest NFL rookie WRs ever can have. A lot of Vanilla Ice mojo here. Go ninja go ninja go!!!
Aaron Donald: A lot of Credible Hulk energy here, as Aaron looks like the kind of guy everyone took steroids in the 90s to turn into, except he does it without steroids. So I guess that’s pretty cool. If you are into your man using you for a squat set before you get down, then Aaron is your man. Plus, he is also drippy1 as you can see from his chain and baby oil deposits.
Eli Apple: Maybe maturity or unconscionable bulk isn’t your thing. If not, can I suggest gnoshing on an Apple? Eli Apple. Eli makes tadpoling fun with his extremely immature attitude toward life and others. No less than Sean Payton gave his endorsement of the man who didn’t inspire the nickname given to the MacIntosh Computers.
Andrew Whitworth: Maybe sleek and smooth isn’t your thing either. Maybe you like a good old-fashioned dad-bod. Well, Andrew might be the guy for you. With his cute gray beard and sweet little tum-tum, Andrew can fight the Oedipus in all of us. As a bonus, Andrew had a great career for the Bengals and Rams, so we know he can go both ways.
Cris Collinsworth: Maybe you don’t want to groove with a player. Maybe you want to check out some sexy announcers. Now here is a guy who used to be a player with a surprisingly hairless torso, but massively hairy extremities. As a bonus, he is a former Bengal and probably likes chili. He knows how to slide into your DMs like the vet he is.
Another Listicle: The Halftime Show
There is a lot of enthusiasm for this year’s halftime show, that features the most famous stable of entertainers to ever do a halftime show for the Super Bowl2. While you could argue there have been more famous individual acts, this group’s combined popularity and sales are the greatest. While I am not a huge rap aficionado, I can certainly appreciate the star power here. I am going to rank my excitement level for the big 5 here.
Snoop Dogg. While Snoop is not a great person, he is a fantastic musician. He is a part of so many great songs, he might not leave the stage the entire time. An impressive career for someone named after a Peanuts character.
Eminem. Em has a really fun style, although his aggressively hate filled lyrics haven’t always aged well. He is still the author of many really fun songs to sing along to. I expect that he will probably be the most fun. I hope he dies his hair blonde just for this. Also, between him and Matt Stafford, this is the closest Detroit will ever get to a Super Bowl.
Mary J. Blige. As the only lady to join the crew I expect Mary, queen of the rap game, to have a huge presence throughout. Anything to prevent a total sausage fest.
Kendrick Lamar. Probably the most currently relevant of the group musically, Kendrick is known for his deep insightful lyrics, which might not necessarily translate onto this type of set up. He is also very drippy.
Dr. Dre. The OG of the group, Dre will no doubt be the primary presence, but his own songs are probably the least interesting of the group, although Forgot About Dre will always be great and probably the first song.
My Best Tweet Of The Week: The Texans two step
This week the Texans did one of the most mysterious hiring moves in the history of the sport. After firing David Culley (basically the day Brian Flores was dismissed), the Texans ended up hiring… his entire staff again, minus him. This is unquestionably a first. Typically, when you fire someone, you are looking to go in a different direction, not the same direction, but worse. It’s the ultimate example of the Peter Principle. This, of course, started up the drip of the rumor mill, but rather than going into that, my tweet just summarized the entire process for you. You’re welcome. Where there is smoke there is fire.
ANOTHER SUPER BOWL LISTICLE: Things I am looking forward to
Here are the 5 most interesting elements of the game that I will be watching for.
Ja’Marr Chase vs. Jalen Ramsey
Two of the best performers at their respective positions, I really hope we see this matchup throughout the game, and that Joe Burrow challenges Ramsey. Chase has had a rookie season for the ages. Meanwhile, Jalen Ramsey has seen a shift in his usage that has seen him line up 1:1 against the other team’s star player less frequently than in the past. Here, I think the Rams need to match them up to free up the rest of their defense and avoid the double team Chase would typically command. If they do match up, can the rookie take on the veteran? Can he out-drip him? I’m sure Ramsey will be focused and fired up to show he still has it.
Will taking the cheap route catch up with Bengals offensive line?
The Bengals had a terrible offensive line last season that cost them the use of Joe Burrow for half of the season. This offseason, they spurned Penei Sewell to draft Chase (looking like a good move). They avoided high priced free agents as well. Thus far, they have survived in the playoffs against teams like the Titans, Chiefs, and Raiders, who all have elite pass rushers. They haven’t faced anything like Aaron Donald and Von Miller though. If the Rams can get heavy pressure with just four, it could be a long evening for the Bengals and Joe Burrow. They need their patchwork group to hold up ONE. MORE. TIME.
Is Odell Beckham really ready to be a number one again?
I don’t expect the Bengals to offer much single coverage to Cooper Kupp going up against Eli Apple on the left side. That means that Beckham should get single coverage throughout the game. Can he take advantage? Back at his peak, he would tear apart single coverage. Now, I am not so sure. If he has a huge game and can force the safety back to his side, it will open up the game for Kupp and leave the Bengals very vulnerable.
Can Sean McVay solve the curse of preparation?
This is not Sean’s first time in the Super Bowl. The last time… did not go well. A relatively weak Patriots defense (based on in season rankings) crushed his offense. The Rams offense is known to be based on the “illusion” of complexity. They actually don’t run that many different plays, they simply adjust the looks they give teams to create an element of surprise. This is harder to pull off when the opposing team has two weeks to study your plays, looks, and tendencies. The last time he was in the Super Bowl, the Patriots prepared an approach that he had no answer for. I suspect the Bengals will try something similar. Can he adjust this time?
Will the Bengals continue to use a conservative game plan?
While they have still put up plenty of points in their three playoff games, the Bengals have largely used a more conservative game plan than they used in the regular season on offense. This might be due to playing their last two games on the road. It might be because they were trying to avoid mistakes. It might be a desire to shield their young players from a lot of pressure. Whatever the reason, I wonder if no longer being on the road (sorry, LA isn’t a home team advantage even when they ARE the home team), being in a controlled environment (first indoor game), and this being the biggest stage will push them to open things up or keep the faucet at a drip. I am not sure they can keep skirting by with their current approach… but they have so far so they might be married to it.
Fun Non-Football Item of the Week: Trevor Zegras. IS. BACK.
Somehow this is not Trevor Zegras’s first appearance in this space, although I am starting to wonder if he is going to be a monthly regular. This got me genuinely wondering if hockey is fun now. Does hockey have drip? Then I found out this lost to some other boring thing, and I remembered why hockey is so boring: White People. Still, this is so much fun I want to marry it and have dodge-babies with it. “We should mate”.
My top 5 favorite prop bets:
Tyler Boyd Receiving yards: Over 40. I think the Rams will try to eliminate deep passes to Chase and Higgins, and with pressure in his face, Burrow will look to dump off to Mixon and Boyd a lot.
Joe Burrow +255 MVP: I am not sure which team will win, but if the Bengals do, I find it hard to believe anyone but Burrow will win, and the odds here are a lot better than they are for Matt Stafford, who has a lot of other big names to contend with.
Odell Beckham to score a TD: +130. Odell’s yardage has been very up and down, but one thing that has been clear is that he is a preferred target for Matt Stafford in the end zone.
Aaron Donald +1000 MVP: I like Donald’s matchup against the Bengals line, and I think he has the sort of cache to win an award like this, if Matt Stafford doesn’t have a great game.
Los Angeles Rams Most Sacks In The Game -225. Not the best odds here, but Matt Stafford never holds the ball. He is more than willing to throw pick 6’s to avoid a sack. Meanwhile, Joe Burrow has already taken a lot of sacks in his career, and could see several more Sunday in a tough matchup.
Over-Under 48.5: Under
Historically, when teams have had time to prepare for Sean McVay offenses, they have had a lot more success. With two full weeks to get ready, and a strong defense, I think they Bengals can keep them in check. Meanwhile, with a mismatch in the trenches, I think the Bengals will have trouble putting up big points.
Spread: Bengals +4.5 I would be much more tempted to go for this if the spread was 4 for the Rams, but it’s not. This means that any type of 7-3 style outcome goes to the Bengals, and that opens up more options than I would be comfortable. I will take the Bengals here, as they have been spread gold for a while now.
Money line: Rams -200 Just like last week (when I went 3 of 4) I will take the spread for one team, but the money line for the other. I do think the Rams will win. I think Sean McVay learned a lot from his last Super Bowl and will be more prepared this time. Plus this is a mentor/mentee situation, which is something I don’t like in games like this (although McVay finally got the monkey off his back with Kyle Shanahan two weeks ago). I don’t like the Bengals line vs. this Rams defensive front. Of course, I don’t think this is a blowout matchup. I think the Bengals will acquit themselves well, but in the end, the Rams experience will win out. FWIW, I will be rooting for the Bengals. Prove me wrong Joey.
Quote of the media week: If Harambe is with us, who can be against us?
This is exactly how media week is supposed to work. I don’t want to hear about your dead grandma, your drip, or your 7th grade coach. DO IT FOR AN ANIMAL THAT PASSED AWAY SIX YEARS AGO OR DONT DO IT. Exclamation point.
What is the worst location, existing or imaginary, for a Super Bowl? @miamimvd
Canada. I can’t imagine anything more insulting than letting Canada host our Super Bowl. They have the Grey Cup, which is magical on it’s own. If you did it outside in February, it would be pretty miserable. Plus, I don’t want to hear aboot things, or which colours the teams are wearing, or hear about loonies and their tuques. Giving them the Super Bowl would be like them letting an American team win the Stanley Cup for the last 30 years. For imaginary, I will go with Omicron Persei 8, since they are rife with COVID.
What reality TV show would you go on and how do you think you’d do in said show? @therealfalcsgm
Top Chef. I actually like cooking, and worked as a cook for a while when I was younger. I am sure I would get demolished by all the better chefs, but since I am sure I would get to eat what they are making, I would be the real winner. Honorable mention to the Amazing Race before COVID, because I used to love to travel before my anxiety disorder kicked in. I am not sure if I would have enjoyed the travel that much though with all the pressure to hurry even then though. Less honorable mention to Naked and Alone. I really love the idea of being alone and having to fend for myself. The problem is that no one deserves the suffering of having to see my blurry junk on broadcast TV. We have the FCC for a reason.
Do you think Alvin Kamara plays again or is he done? @awilhelm1528
Yes, I do, 1,528th A. Wilhelm. From the sounds of things, most cases of this nature are settled with a plea and suspended jail sentence. I think that will probably happen, along with a lawsuit he will have to settle. He will be suspended by the NFL, but allowed to return. He doesn’t really have a history of bad behavior that I know about. His version of this story is pretty weak, the whole thing is on camera, and he is already moving through the legal system. My guess is he pleads guilty, takes his medicine and returns late next season. Lucky for him this person survived, or it might be a different story. It is incredibly shameful what he did, ganging up on someone like a coward. I have lost a lot of respect for him, but he probably doesn’t care what I think.
Which current non-NFL city deserves a franchise and why? @tweet_wes
Washington D.C. Just kidding. I would say if I was placing a franchise, I would go somewhere with a huge passion for football, a lot of wealth, and a friendly tax demographic, so probably Austin/San Antonio to complete the Texas Triangle. If there can be three teams in Florida, there can be three in Texas. It would be hard making inroads with Cowboys fans (unless they have been watching the Cowboys for the last 20 years), but those cities are growing rapidly and have the kind of capital you would need.
The rest of my list: San Diego, OKC, and St. Louis (although two already had teams in the past, so those seemed too boring to pick).
How many teams in the NFL have purposely tanked? How many do you think have paid their coaches for it? @cockofthewalk00
It depends on what you mean by purposely. Many, MANY teams have intentionally created bad rosters, sat players who were healthy enough to play, and intentionally used players that stink to lose games. Players don’t tank. There is no incentive for them to put a bad performance on tape for their future. Until recently, I would have assumed that coaches almost never tank either, but there have certainly been some curious circumstances like the Jets all out blitz, the Eagles intentionally benching a healthy QB for bad one, and, of course, the overt accusations from the former coaches of the Dolphins and Browns. I am now suspicious this may have been done, which is VERY bad for the NFL. Game fixing is a federal crime, and they should be very concerned about it. It’s one thing to have a bad roster. Everyone can see that. You can’t intentionally affect the outcome of games in that manner though, without going to prison.
A better question here might be, how do we stop tanking? I think the answer to this is more interesting. My proposal? Eliminate the draft. Allow teams salary slots with a very mild sliding scale from best to worst. Then, simply let them bid for rookies during a three day window. Anyone left after that can sign for the rookie minimum. Teams that suck simply won’t be as attractive, even if you balance it out with a little extra money. Teams will stop tanking, because the incentive will be gone. I also think it would be a much more interesting story if players snubbed one team to go to another. Can you imagine the bulletin board material if a player snubbed the Steelers and signed with the Browns for less? It would be a media circus.
If you were chosen to start an expansion team, who are the first 3 players you draft? @inventive_not
I would want a young proven QB, but I am going to take this a step further, I am going to get their contract. The best QB to contract right now is Joe Burrow at just 9 million until 2024. By comparison, Patrick Mahomes is 45 million a year moving forward. Patrick Mahomes isn’t 4 times better. Next, I want an elite left tackle. Again, I get their contract. I choose Tristan Wirfs and his 4 million dollar deal, that is is 1/6th of Trent Williams’ contract. Williams is not 6 times better than Wirfs. Finally, on defense, Micah Parsons is a slam dunk on the first year of his rookie deal, he has already shown to be elite at basically everything a defensive player can do.
Should there be cold weather Super Bowls again? @briangriffiths
No. Look, I enjoy elements games the same as a lot of people, but I don’t want that for the Super Bowl. There is a lot of technical stuff with the halftime show. There is a lot of stuff going on with the NFL around the city. I think the NFL, for the sake of simply convenience, needs to avoid weather disasters as much as possible with it’s picks. Ultimately, I don’t want to see a Super Bowl decided like that Bills-Patriots game this year. I want the best team to win in an environment conducive for peak football. I think there is a still a place for it up to the Super Bowl, but I want my big game to be pure and pristine. I don’t want the weather dictating the game plan, I want the teams to.
Why isn't @hudepohlbeers distributing the Hu-Dey beer for a wider distribution? The demand is absolutely insane. I'll drink this exclusively for years. @jahcomplex
I don’t know. I mean that genuinely. I don’t know what this is, since I don’t live in Cincinnati. Here’s the thing Cincinnati. Yes, I am talking to you. All of Cincinnati. The Bengals are kind of lucky to be here. It was three straight games right down to the wire and they snuck by in each one. It is VERY possible this might not happen again. Look at Dan Marino. EVERYONE thought he would be back. He was one and done. Don’t waste this time. Take advantage in every way. Sell your beer everywhere. Party harder than you have every partied. Laugh more than you have ever laughed. Live your best life this weekend, for tomorrow, we may die (and the Bengals might not come back).
Best QB All-Time PRE-ESPN era? @skip727
ESPN started basically at the start of 1980. So I won’t count anyone drafted in 1980 and after. I wasn’t around back then, so I can only go off of record, stats, and word of mouth, but based on that, I will go with Johnny Unitas by a hair over Roger Staubach. Unitas was one of the first QBs to move the ball through the air with consistency and success. His stats and success largely speak for themselves. If I had to pick one QB of that era that I would most WANT to watch, it would be Fran Tarkenton, who feels to me like the closest to what we see now at the position.
You get to make an ice cream cake for your birthday with different flavors for the top layer, middle layer, and the bottom layer. What do you choose? @mbernadetteE
I added a middle layer because of the Holy Trinity. Mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, and cookies and cream. I would keep it pretty simple. I think these three would play off one another well. I also love black raspberry, but I think it would conflict with what we are doing here.
If Burrow and Stafford were Muppets, which Muppets would they be? @Dustfin13
Best question of the week. First, based on appearance, Burrow is Beaker and Stafford is Fozzie Bear. Based on role on the team and in the NFL, Burrow feels like Miss Piggy. He is bold. He is brash. He is outrageous. He is drippy. He is the star of the show. He has a flair for the dramatic. Stafford feels more like the Swedish Chef to me. Reserved, but hard working. Fun, but serious at times. He likes to put together the ingredients of victory in his own way. Vert de ferk.
… And Finally: Another draft
My friend Zach and I are back by unpopular demand to draft our favorite Super Bowl snacks. Which party are you attending? What were the most glaring omissions? The one main rule is no full meal foods, just snacks so things like burgers, pizza, wings, subs etc. are out. Also, for the sake of it not becoming six forms of alcohol, alcohol is prohibited.
Team 1: pizza bagels, pigs in a blanket, mini sliders, soft pretzels/cheese dip, buffalo wing dip and Tostitos, kettle chips/french onion dip
Team 2: nachos (fully loaded), 7 layer dip w/ Tostitos scoops, chili3 (more scoops), cheese/meat platter w/ crackers, “soda”, brownies.
CHOOSE YOUR PARTY. Also, have a great Super Bowl, don’t drip, drink and drive, and have a wonderful weekend no matter what.
no one is ever going to use the word drip again after this column, I guarantee it
This is also the first time I can remember the halftime show getting a trailer and… it’s pretty great. I know I like to bitch about stuff but damn.
Homemade, not Skyline
TEAM #2 with plenty of "soda"
Team 1 because I can live without soda but I'm a mark for french onion AND buffalo dips. That being said.....sliders are small but just how small are these mini sliders?!!!
Also:
My cake is stroopwafel flavor on top, cookie crumble in the middle, and chocolate peanut butter lover on the bottom. Stay tuned for a verdict. Yours would be excellent too.