Free Agency finally seems to be slowing down. This week, there were a couple signings, but, for the most part, things were quiet. Then, out of nowhere, Bruce Arians quit, and was replaced by DC Todd Bowles. Arians’1 decision comes shortly after Tom Brady’s return, causing speculation that Bruce had fallen out of favor with Tom. We will see. It’s curious that Byron Leftwich didn’t get the nod2, but I do believe Todd Bowles is a good coach. Either way, I’d gladly take them both over Bullshit Bruce and his lies. Is Tom Brady… a coach killer now? It’s kinda curious that he has seemingly fallen out with his last two coaches. We will see how well he connects with Todd, or if this is the start of a bigger move elsewhere for Tom.
Listicle of the Week: What are the best things to have for dessert?
Dinner is over. You are ALMOST full. But, you just need a little tiny bit more. You reach for seconds… but wait. What about dessert. You look over to this fabulous diner’s dessert case. What are you taking? Here are my top 7 desserts.
Ice Cream. It’s said that my extended family all love ice cream, and it’s mostly true. Ice Cream and it’s many varieties will always be my go to. I love cold food more than hot, so this is an obvious choice for me. ESPECIALLY Ben and Jerry’s. I honestly don’t care if they cause full blown Communist Socialism, as long as they keep making ice cream.
Pumpkin Roll. Pumpkin roll is kind of a cake, and kind of a cheesecake, but it’s really just it’s own thing. I adore a frozen pumpkin roll, and I try to get some every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s the Cream Cheese filling I love.
Cheesecake. A New York Cheesecake is a delight that is both simultaneously hard to master and masterful when done right. Cheesecake is so easy to eat slowly and deliberately. Every bite is so rich, it is like fluffy mouth heaven.
Cookies. I prefer a White Chocolate Macadamia nut cookie myself, but there are so many awesome options. I love sugar cookies, chocolate chip, and Holiday cookies. It’s all awesome. Just DONT MAKE THEM HARD.
Cake. A moist3, fluffy, delicious cake is hard to top, and pairs ever so nicely with ice cream, my number one, to create a treat Edna Mode would love. My ideal cake is Red Velvet, but everyone has their own. It’s hard to miss when it’s baked right.
Donut. Just an offshoot of cake, the thing I like most about donuts is all the varieties. If you go to a fun donut shop like Voodoo Donuts in Portland, you can find a million things to try, all of them a delight. I love variety, but my favorite staple donut is probably either yeast glazed or Boston Creme. I’m including Churro here, even though it’s not a donut, because you can pair it with a donut for a great single entendre.
Pie. I love a good pie, especially a cherry pie, or Apple with… Ice cream. Warm pie will always hit the spot. The local delicacy, a concord grape pie, is a delight too, and it’s fun to let people try it out when they visit. Pie is an American as it gets.
My best tweet of the week:
How about that shirt! No chance Belichick looked into his closet and said, which of these shirts will solidify me as a LGBTQia2S+ lumberjack. AND WHITE PANTS??? That might be the bravest thing a man can wear. No matter how much you jiggle or how much you dance, the last two drops go into your pants.
Honorable mention:
Dunk of the week: Jordan. Free Throw Line.
It’s iconic. Enjoy.4
Every week we take the biggest names in the NFL and figure out what it LOOKS like they do.
New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles looks like the the foreman of a construction yard that is tired of his new hires trying to do Tik Toks on the scaffolding and falling to their deaths. Back in HIS day, he tells them, people died of corporate negligence, not personal stupidity.
Old Tampa Bay Coach Bruce Arians looks like hypertension.
Returning Viking Patrick Peterson looks like a sitcom dad who is tired of his teenage son listening to Blinding Lights for the 80th time when they should be learning about famous Jazz singers.
Baltimore Ravens QB Lamar Jackson keeps listening to Blinding Lights.
No longer a QB, Taysom Hill looks like the singer of a rap rock group that doesn’t swear on their albums so they can be accessible to pre-teens.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
Welcome to a coke freestyle machine. What do you get? Also, ice or no ice? @MbernadetteE
I love this invention, the Coke Freestyle Machine makes drinking fountain drinks fun. There are hundreds of combinations, but my favorite is usually Raspberry Coke Zero with like 1/3 ice. It’s so good, you can’t get it much elsewhere, and it’s almost always available. There are some fun Sprite combos too, which I am including just to sneak this in here.
This will never stop being funny to me. Drink Sprite. From a freestyle machine.
If you could slap one person on stage with the whole world watching with no repercussions who would it be? @J_Kartch
This is, of course, in relation to Will Smith’s slap of Chris Rock at the Oscars. I’ll say this about Will Smith… is there anyone who is a bigger phony? A-rod? Jason Whitlock? Skip Bayless? Will Smith is nothing he pretends to be. Moving on, who would I tag… honestly, right now it would be Deshaun Watson. His gross denials5 and refusal to take responsibility for his actions are so shameful he honestly NEEDS someone to slap him across the face and tell him to grow up and be an adult. Second place is probably Daniel Snyder of the Redskins who is a clown, and it’s funny to see a clown get a pie in the face.
Considering the Bills had virtually no leverage how surprised are you with them getting a new sweetheart stadium deal? @briangriffiths
The new Bills stadium is on track to be built with around 800 million dollars in public funding. Of course, that is a lot of money. Where is that coming from exactly you ask?
From Children and family services, almost entirely. This is a gross misuse of public funds. I know the Bills are immensely popular in upstate NY. For Toronto, and all of NY, the Bills are the only professional football team, and for upstate NY, the only professional team period now that Syracuse no longer pays it’s players (GTFOH with the “Sabres”). This is the leverage. If the Bills leave, there is NOTHING left in the serious sports landscape for upstate NYers. Losing the Bills, even across the border would feel like a death blow for upstate NY, a region already on the decline for the last 50 years. But that doesn’t mean they, or any city, should cave to these owners’ demands. Economists have shown over and over that cities never realize significant value from these investments. These owners also have plenty of funds to handle it themselves. Jerry Jones and Stephen Ross did. So can Terry Pegula, one of the richest people on earth. It’s shameful that wealthy NFL owners demand their funds be protected at the expense of children’s services. Terry Pegula is a terrible human being and the Democrats in charge of the state should be ashamed of themselves for playing along with what amounts to a hostage situation.
What technological improvement would you propose to the NFL? Like…microchip in the ball, shock devices in helmets, meta verse lenses for referees, etc, etc @Miamimvd
Let’s get the head umpire google glasses. No more forgetting down and distance. Instant replay becomes just that. Instant. The umpire gets 406 seconds to look at a replay on his glasses. If he can’t see the change, it’s over. I HATE 5 minute reviews. If it’s not clear as day, then it stands as called. NO I don’t care that they get it right every time. It’s football, not a term paper. There are gonna be tough calls that don’t go your way. Just live with it. I’m tired of watching a replay 15 times to see if a ball jiggled a tiny bit when a receiver landed. If it looks like a catch, it’s a catch. KEEP IT MOVING.
You have the ability to convince 1 living sports person of anything you wanted. Who would you convince and what would you convince them? @therealfalcsgm
I assume I can’t go back in time to, like tell Michael Vick to leave his dogs be. I’m tempted to convince any one of a dozen awful sports owners to sell their teams, but I feel like they would just sell it to some other hedge fund idiot. I think I would convince Luka Doncic to take basketball seriously7. That kid has incredible talent and the body of dad playing pickup hoops at the Y. He could be one of the greatest ever if he started lifting weights and eating well. It reminds me of the Euro guys in the 80s like Vlade who smoked cigarettes. Imagine how good they could be if they didn’t fill their lungs with TAR! 8
Which NFL will be the “Will Smith” of their division this coming season? @wheatstrawInc.
The Buccaneers are going to run roughshod over their division (assuming Brady stays), as the Saints have taken major steps back and the Panthers and Falcons will offer 0 resistance. This could easily be over by Thanksgiving. Honorable mention to the Packers, who should cruise against the Lions, Bears and Vikings. There are only like 5 good teams in the NFC (Packers, Bucs, Cowboys, 49ers and the Rams). Maybe the Cardinals half the year. I’m not saying GREAT. I am saying GOOD. It’s crazy how bad that half of the NFL is.
And Finally… Zach and I draft something.
This week, Zach and I draft something close to his heart, famous Dave/David’s. Zach’s father Dave passed away a couple year’s back, so this week, we honor Dave Chandler himself, and all Daves, including one in my own life, my best friend growing up, Dave Eshleman. Their overall spot in the draft is in parenthesis.
Zach’s Daves: Dave Chappelle (2), Dave Matthews (3), David son of Jesse (6)9, David Hasselhoff (7), Dave Chandler (10)
Nate’s Daves: Dave Grohl10 (1), David Bowie (4), David Beckham (5), David Attenborough (8), Dave Eshleman (9)
CHOOSE. YOUR. DAVES. Go to @TheDuckpin on twitter to vote. Did we miss any obvious ones?
Famous in this column for pretending like Antonio Brown had matured when it was obviously a lie.
Given he seems to be in higher demand for head coaching jobs.
sorry ladies
This is why movie sequels are so hard. Plenty of players have dunked from the free throw line. EVEN BRENT BARRY. But it’s never going to be as good as the original, because you can’t recreate that original surprise and delight.
Seen most recently in his deposition where he had to plead the fifth to avoid accidentally incriminating himself.
Just like the NFL play clock
I’d do the same for Allen Iverson, who famously drank and drugged his way through his career. Imagine if he had been healthy, tried to stay in peak physical condition.
Honorable mention in the NFL to Deshaun Watson, who I would convince to be a real man and take responsibility for his actions. He will regret living his life the way he has and not making things right. It would also grant closure to his victims.
In the Biblical sense
RIP to Taylor Hawkins, Dave’s best friend and drummer for the Foo Fighters. He simply rocked.
NFL Mystery Box: Turning to the Draft
As a dessert you forgot... 3 fingers of a fine Irish whiskey 🥃