Well, the Super Bowl still isn’t here. The NFL likes to take an extra week off so it can do all the things I don’t care about like the Pro-Bowl, the media tours, the breathless commentating about the game, the endless talk of X-factors, Keys to the Game, and What We Should Be Looking For and so on. Thankfully, this is usually a pretty quiet week, unless the greatest player ever retires, the league is sued for racist hiring practices, accusations are made about multi-team game fixing, and a team unveils an entirely new identity.
Listicle of the week: What does each new coach that has been hired look like they ACTUALLY do?
Brian Daboll: Brian looks like the construction worker who watches a beautiful woman walk by, turns to another construction worker, and says, “Back in my day, we would have done something about that” despite it still currently being his day because he’s only 381.
Matt Eberflus: Matt looks like the local attorney who works all of the car accident claims that no one else will, not because he is a good guy, but because he himself has 3 DUIs and hit a parked van full of nuns. (As a bonus, new Bears GM, and graduate of our local high school, Ryan Poles looks like the big-brother in the big-brother/big-sister program everyone wants, but ends up going to a cute kid who has a dad, but his dad is Matt Eberflus)
Kevin O’Connell: Kevin looks like the dad who decided to start his own lacrosse team for 4 years-olds in town because the current one doesn’t focus enough on fundamentals. He will later lose to that team in the championship game, when his own son joins that team because it’s more fun and becomes the MVP, causing Kevin to realize he has had the wrong priorities all along.
Nathaniel Hackett: Nathaniel looks like the farm supplies salesman every farmer loves because he is incredibly friendly, and he shares their political views when he talks to them (no matter what they actually are). He also runs his own very small dairy business but doesn’t tell the farmers that because he thinks they will make fun of his two cow operation.
Josh McDaniels: Josh looks like he is a small-time stakeholder in the local tennis club who is constantly telling the ball boys he “owns the place” and “could fire them in a heartbeat if he wanted to”. He will also occasionally serve as an instructor when new female members join.
My Best Tweet of the Week: What an incredible career Ben Roethlisberger Tom Brady had.
RIP people remembering Ben Roethlisberger. Tom Brady has officially retired, and literally everyone not associated with the Steelers has already moved on (as it should be). Tom Brady retires as the greatest QB ever by the only measurement people care about, winning Super Bowls. While I don’t think he was the greatest at actually playing QB, when it came down to it, he got the job done more than anyone else. What he can do at his current age IS incredible. He is still a top 10 QB in the league, and I could have easily seen him playing till he was 50 if he wanted to and was willing to be a veteran back up at the end. That is simply remarkable in the most physically demanding sport we have2.
Fun Non-Football item of the week: Pizza Hut
Pizza hut is returning to upstate New York after slowly folding store after store in my area. This is great news for those in need of bowel movement, as few things in life can get things sliding along better than a Pizza Hut pan pizza. Pizza Hut played a huge role in my childhood as a poor white kid. Book it, a program that hooked millions of children on chain pizza, was a focal point of my home schooling experience (yes I was homeschooled). Beyond that, my family also made it the setting of any kind of celebration, birthday, promotion, getting 20 dollars that was already going to be spent on bills etc. My family went there like clockwork on a quarterly basis. The red sticky seats. The broken crayons at the table. The burning hot pan you tried not to bump your elbow on. The fight over who was going to sit where. The mint at the end, like you had just siphoned gasoline or something. I took my kids to the one in town before it closed, and they LOVED the experience. Sadly, the food was awful. The new one are going to be sleeker and more geared to takeout, but I will always remember that time the food was so bad I threw up, but when I came out I saw more pepperoni slices on the buffet line so I was like, eh, what the hell.
Requiem for a team: NY Jets
What went wrong? The development of their top young players. Zach Wilson struggled mightily most of the season. Alijah Vera-Tucker didn’t stand out as a first year guard. Mekhi Becton (last year’s number 1 pick) got worse and is now not guaranteed a starting spot next year. Denzel Mims (last years 2) might not even make the roster next year, despite having little competition. Quinnen Williams looks to be locked in as a mediocre defensive tackles. Only WR Elijah Moore and RB Michael Carter showed real promise this year.
What do they need? To make better draft picks. Just like the Giants across the stadium, the Jets have missed on a multitude of high draft picks in recent years. This is concerning, because the one benefit of being bad is higher draft picks. If you can’t hit on those, you are never going anywhere. They need to improve their talent evaluation process before anything else will happen.
Who should they draft? Incredibly, after trading up and using a 14th overall pick on a guard and using an 11th overall pick on a tackle the year before, their offensive line is STILL in shambles. Providing a strong pocket would help Zach Wilson with his growing pains. It is probably still too early to move on from him, so this is the next step. After that, their defense needs help on all three levels. Given Robert Salah’s preference for a strong defensive line, I am guessing an edge rusher who can hold the point of attack on run plays will be the choice. Also, keep an eye on George Karlaftis at 4 for a sneaky pick.
Who should they sign? The Jets have holes literally everywhere. I would say the top priority would be the defensive line, cornerback, offensive line, tight end and linebacker. Given their rebuild, they probably should focus on young players. Some names to keep an eye on: Carlton Davis, Orlando Brown Jr., JC Jackson, Darious Williams, Mike Gesicki, Dalton Schultz, and Connor Williams.
Streaming recommendation of the week: Palm Springs (Hulu)
If you have never seen this quirky gem about the perils of being trapped in an eternal time loop and the monotony of life, you definitely should. This is a subversive take on the time loop movie, that you may have just endured as yesterday was groundhog day. This is a pinnacle pandemic movie, as you will really relate to the feeling of being trapped and the boredom that comes out of it3. You can also sell this as a romantic movie if you want for the upcoming Valentine’s day, but the “romantic” element keeps it real so you can avoid the pitfall of the unrealistic rom-com expectation setter. It’s not a pick-me-up kind of movie, yet there is enough optimism and hopefulness that you won’t leave sad or defeated.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers… unless they aren’t.
Ugh, so I'm stuck home playing video games because it's snowing here in Oklahoma, so what top 3 if any video games you'd like to be snowed in with for a day or two? @Dustfin13
If I am riding solo, these are my three.
Madden Franchise mode: I used to love making my own teams and playing season after season. Drafting players, playing the games, turning off injuries, and so on. This is a great way to spend a day.
Mario Kart: Mario Kart is the exact opposite of Madden, because it’s not a long haul, it’s quick hitters. Instead of a slow tedious development process, it’s a lightning4 quick game. When you need a rush of adrenaline.
James Bond: I used to love N64 Goldeneye. I don’t play a ton of shooter games, but the story mode and multi-player were a blast to play. I have so many good memories from that. You gotta shoot it up at some point.
Then just paint a picture for us of what it was like when Jim Harbaugh showed back up at Michigan today. @WheatstrawInc
This is not a question. Although @reflog hit us with a meme to help us better understand.
This Harbaugh NFL gambit never felt real to me. It felt like he was always trying to leverage NFL teams against Michigan for a raise to before this last season, when he took a pay cut for being mediocre. I don’t think Harbaugh’s rah rah tough guy schtick works with current players. All they want to know is, do you know what you are talking about? Do your schemes actually work? In Michgan, they hadn’t until this year, so it’s hard to believe he was going to take over the NFL with them.
Give me three things said inside the Cleveland Browns front office this week after watching the cross state rival make the SB run. @tweet_wes
This is also not a question, and more of a hostage-taker style demand. I will though.
*LOOOONG string of expletives* Hue Jackson
I’m so tired of struggling through Baker’s Progressives when he can’t get through his progressions.
First they get Paul Brown now this?5
Favorite pre 1990 movie and why? @Skip727
This is an incredibly difficult choice between two very different movies. Either Die Hard (the perfect action movie) or The Princess Bride. I am going to pick the Princess Bride here. I will do a mini-listicle for why.
It is the perfect satire of older movies, while somehow being so loving toward those movies that it is, itself, a perfect movie in the genre which it is satirizing.
The cast is incredible. Not just the main characters but even the small bit roles played by people like Christopher Guest, Andre The Giant, Wallace Shawn, Billy Crystal or Carol Kane.
It has action if you want action, it has comedy, it has romance, it has drama, it has fantasy, it has horror (There will be no survivors), it has sci-fi (how else are we explaining that weird death machine) and it has, of course, satire.
It is ENDLESSLY quotable. I am not even going to start, because you probably already know them all already.
It makes me nostalgic for the parts of my childhood that weren’t bad.
Has any uniform rollout every been so appropriate for a franchise like the Commanders rollout and why was I able to do a better job in five minutes than they did in two years? @Briangriffiths
My editor-in-chief has made his displeasure with the new Washington Commanders look, logo, name, branding, and reveal very evident. I, of course, love uniforms, logos and merchandising as much as just about anyone, so I too have some thoughts, although they are not quite as apocalyptic as Brian’s are. Let’s look at the logo and uniforms first.
The name: I don’t love the new name. This name continues the long legacy of the NFL pandering to the military. However, it is not an ethnic slur, so I do appreciate that. There are already some… awkward… tie ins6, but ultimately I don’t think we will think about it much in a year.
The logo: That’s a three dimensional W all right. Yep. Again, it’s not racist, so I guess that bar was cleared. The secondary logo appears to have the wrong years for the championships, depending on how you want to calculate the years.
The helmet: I like the matte burgundy helmets, although the W logo is meh. I have always been a fan of the number on one side of the helmet too, I think it is interesting and helps with identifying players on TV (albeit only for two quarters lol). The black helmets are very meh. I assume there was an argument over whether the helmets should be matte or glossy so they resolved it by making one each. Hooray for compromise.
The jersey: I saw an early prototype that appeared to be a slate gray that got me excited. Nope. Instead we get yet another entry into the black jersey Hall Of Lame. The white jerseys would have been better as a cream color to better mix with the burgundy and gold7. They also could have avoided the Jackson Pollacking of the numbers that will look dated in about two weeks. The burgundy is fine, looking a lot like their older jersey. I don’t like the half-boxed commander’s script lining up with the numbers there though. It should be either bigger or smaller. Not sure which. Or just not there.
Overall, this is a C- to me. I don’t think it is the disaster Brian thinks it is, but it definitely isn’t good. I’m not really interested in thinking about them again, and I doubt I will make fun of them a whole lot. They will just be… there.
Should the day after the super bowl be a holiday? @inventive_not
Yes, and it’s a much easier fix than people realize. They are DEFINITELY going to add an 18th week to the NFL regular season right? Guess what. MAKE THE SUPER BOWL THE DAY BEFORE PRESIDENTS DAY EVERY YEAR. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
What is the key of success? Is a Ferrari key or a Tesla app? @Miamimvd
These days, it’s probably a Tesla. All these bitcoin boys and their metaverse want to be seen in whatever Elon Musk is pumping out. Ferrari’s are sort of the old standard for luxury from back when Europe drove a lot of fashion and prestige. Now, it’s all about techbros and digital wallets getting stuck in their digital ass cracks. Me, I’d be fine with a Subaru that won’t slide around in the foot of snow we are getting.
Rank the top 5 Fast Food Fries. @therealfalcsgm
In and Out. A west coast staple. They prep the potatoes right there. They are so fresh and incredible.
5 guys. Also fairly fresh, plus they give you a TON. Sharing is caring.
Mcdonalds. Simple, classic, delicious.
Rallys. A little spicy zip with each fry makes it extra great.
Arbys curly. Always a place for these in my heart. The child in me loves them.
…And Finally: My friend Zach and I drafted teams to play a pickup football game, exclusively from the Disney animated universe (not Pixar). Which team do you have winning and why? Were there obvious omissions? Comment below or under the post in Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.
Team 1:
QB - Genie
RB - Baymax
WR - Peter Pan
TE - Wreck-It-Ralph
OL - Ursula
DL - King Triton
S Magic Carpet
Coach Merlin The Magician
Owner Scrooge McDuck
Team 2:
QB - Robin Hood
RB - Beast
WR - Gogo Rodriguez
TE - Hercules
OL - Luisa Madrigal
DL - Maui
S - Elsa
Coach - Mufasa
Owner - Cruella DeVille
We are assuming some offensive players will have to play a little defense here to keep things evened out. That's it! Have a great weekend! Oh shit I forgot to talk about the Pro Bo
The suit in the above picture looks like what John Wick’s suit SHOULD look like given all the guns and shit in it.
I mean, other than literal bloodsports
Or, if you are unfortunate enough, the horror of feeling like you are living the worst day of your life over and over which I have felt in the past.
often literally
I literally can’t think of anything meaningful in between these two things.
On the plus side, those tie ins will appeal to people on both sides of the political aisle
Sadly the NFL REQUIRES the jersey to be white, which is a huge missed opportunity for some teams with more earth toned colors.
I now have to go back and re-watch The Princess Bride! Enjoy the day!
Ok but do you remember the mega debate we got into at your local pizza hut the first time I met you because I DO
But also I'm really torn on your Disney teams. I'm gonna have to go with the Luisa/Maui combo though. Can you even imagine that duet?