Now the real fun begins. The NFL playoffs are here, and while this week was more about pain than joy with Black Monday extending to yesterday with the tragic firing of human-talking-point Joe Judge, we can move forward now into the joy that the playoffs bring. There are some really good matchups this week, and I will break them down… a little. This is a supersized box, so if you don’t like a section… SKIP IT! There is PLENTY more. I went crazy with footnotes too, in an effort to shorten this a little. If you want more details, you can go there.
Listicle of the Week: Most Important Players This Weekend You Might Not Know AFC edition
Buffalo Bills: Star Lotulelei DT
Who? Star is not a star. He is the third tackle in Buffalo’s defensive tackle rotation. He is primarily a first and second down option for the team, because of his massive size. For most of the first half of the season he was playing 50 percent of the snaps for this defense. Since, that number has dropped to 20 percent as issues have limited his availability. The Bills, coincidentally, have struggled to contain the run. It will be worth monitoring if he can get back to his usual reps against the Patriots, a team that wants to run A LOT.
New England Patriots: Christian Barmore DT
Another defensive tackle? Barmore has very quietly been one of the best rookies this season. His ability to stop the run and collapse the pocket has been critical for a team that is PERILOUSLY thin at defensive tackle. He suffered a knee injury last week but avoided structural damage. Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he can play or play well this week. The Patriots defense needs him to keep the Bills one-dimensional.
Cincinnati Bengals: Isaiah Prince T
Prince has the very unenviable task of trying to slow Raiders star defensive end Maxx1 Crosby. Crosby racked up 8 pressures last week. Oh did you think I meant in the game? I meant IN THE FOURTH QUARTER. That is insane. He lead the league in pressures. Prince will have to slow him, and if he can do it without help, the secondary of the Raiders can be exposed by the elite talent of the Bengals WR corp. My guess is, however, they will have to chip with a tight end or back which is going slow things down a bit.
Las Vegas Raiders: Trevon Moehrig FS
Moehrig is the Raiders first year free safety and he will have his hands full this weekend. The Bengals WR group might be the best in the NFL, with Tee Higgins, Tyler Boyd and Ja’Marr Chase all being elite at their roles. It will be up to Moehrig to keep the deep passes to a minimum, and force this team to work underneath routes. Unfortunately, he also picked up a shoulder injury. If he isn’t up to it, this game will be over quickly.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Terrell Edmunds SS
Edmunds will have the unenviable task of trying to cover superstar tight end Travis Kelce. The Steelers caught a break in the last matchup when Kelce was out with Covid (and still got pounded). They will not be as lucky this week. Edmunds can struggle in coverage against great route running tight ends, and that is Kelce. If he can play Kelce man to man, it will free up help for Tyreek Hill. If not, they will probably be out of luck defensively.
Kansas City Chiefs: Charvarius Ward
One half of KC’s unheralded (for good reason) CB tandem, Ward likes to play a physical press style. Unfortunately, he can be beaten in this set up, especially deep. The problem for the Steelers is that Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t like holding the ball long enough for these options to emerge. Diontae Johnson has a mismatch on Ward… if Ben will allow him time to get past him. Meanwhile, Ward can limit the Steelers by doing what he did in their last matchup, just buying time until Roethlisberger dumps the ball off. If he can do it again, they will get the same result.
Best Quote of the Week: “I’ve never wanted a tie so bad”
Justin Herbert is all of us. I wanted a tie so bad in the game on Sunday Night. It had nothing to do with the Steelers. It was about punishing the NFL for allowing two teams to play a game separate from the other games of the weekend, sacrificing the competitive integrity of the process to get into the playoffs to make money. Boy did I want to see them pay for that bullshit. And it almost happened. The Raiders clearly were not that motivated to score at the end, but did anyway because of how bad the Chargers defense was2. Bummer.
Fun non-football item of the week: My favorite video game
Mario Kart 9 is in development. I am not sure what that means exactly, other than someone at Nintendo thought, “you know what makes a ton of money? Mario Kart. We should make a new one”. I grew up on the Kart. Specifically I played the N64 one until my arms fell off. In college I never stayed up past midnight to study even one single time. But I sure did to play Mario Kart till 2 in the morning. I loved every weird shortcut, like the one where you could complete an entire lap of Wario Stadium in like 15 seconds. I miss when video games were weird like this. Now, they are all really great, and glossy, and… expensive3. I’m sure the new Mario Kart will have endless ways for them to make money. That’s fine I guess. I’m not a back-in-my-day-everything-was-better person. Video games look incredible now. I just know how much I enjoyed every weird imperfection, and quirk of code. I miss having just 8 playable characters and 16 tracks you memorized until you knew them so well you could do them blindfolded. I miss having the time to do any of it. Great times.
Over/Under: New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills Over 44.5
The lowest of the over/unders this weekend, I think this is too low. The weather, while exceedingly cold, is supposed to be clear and calm. I don’t expect a rematch like the earlier game in Buffalo this year. I expect it to be closer to the New England game (54). Both teams are in danger of missing key defensive pieces, while the offenses (two of the best this year) are close to full strength.
Spread Pick: Cincinnati Bengals vs. Las Vegas Raiders +5.5
I don’t like the Raiders here. Besides getting crushed by the Bengals in their first meeting this year, the team needed a miracle to get into the playoffs, is missing numerous key pieces, and feels like it already accomplished it’s miracle this season last weekend. I think the Bengals come out blazing at home and don’t let up. The Raiders are due for an emotional let down.
Money-line upset pick: Philadelphia Eagles +300
This isn’t something that I am saying is definitely happening. This might happen, and I like the idea of getting 300 dollars for 100 if it does. Normally, you would assume that any team that runs a lot would be in huge trouble against the Bucs. Last year they were the best run defense in the NFL and it wasn’t close. Same with the first half of this year. The problem is, injuries have changed that in the second half. They have been around 20th since the midway point of the season. That plays into the Eagles chances in a big way, because they have to control the ball to win. I think they can. I also think Tom Brady will put up points, but their offense is also more banged up than normal.
Just for fun and with no explanation: 49ers +145 Money-line, Rams/Cardinals Over 49, Pittsburgh +12.5
My best tweet from the week:
From the man that brought you three Rush Hour movies, Tower Heist, Cop House, and numerous cases of sexual assault, comes Throw Down! Two retired former quarterbacks go undercover in an illegal steroid ring to bring down someone, but they forgot who because of concussions. Hilarity doesn’t ensue.
Streaming Recommendation of the Week: Last Night in Soho
I wrote about this movie when the trailer was released. I called the trailer the best movie of the year to that point (and I stand by that). I finally got to see Last Night In Soho (it’s not a free streamer yet, but it’s worth your money anyway) a couple weeks ago, and I really enjoyed it. I wouldn’t call it a horror movie, as much as a thriller. Margot Robbie puts in great work here, as does Thomasin McKenzie. The real prize here, though, is the stunning visuals created by Edgar Wright and the perfect song choices that always accompany anything he does. Not many directors today have the visual/musical combination that he offers. Plus it is the rare piece of original art in a landscape of IP regurgitation. No spoilers here, but the story is interesting and has some good twists and turns. Tequila.
Requiem For A Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
What went wrong? Everything. But specifically, Urban Meyer was a total miss as head coach. Trevor Lawrence did not show significant growth, they have no talent at the skill positions after James Robinson’s long term injury, and the defense did nothing4.
What do they need? A new GM, coach, WRs, RBs, TE, offensive line help, pass rushing help, and ball hawks for the secondary. Trevor Lawrence is going to need to get a whole lot better.
Who should they draft? It’s a little early to say for sure, but either Aidan Hutchinson or Kayvon Thibodeaux are the consensus top two players, and they desperately need to force pressure on QBs to generate turnovers. A wide receiver who can create separation is needed in round 2.
Who should they sign? Given their status and where they are in a rebuild, most major free agents are either not going to be interested, or be too old. Still, some names they could target include: JC Jackson, Jesse Bates, Michael Gallup, Christian Kirk, Mike Gesicki, Juju Smith Schuster, and Marcus Maye. These are all players still early in their career who could help key problems. If they make it to FA, I’d make a move.
Listicle of the Week 2: Most Important Players This Weekend You Might Not Know NFC edition
Philadelphia Eagles: TJ Edwards MLB
The Eagles starting middle linebacker will have one of the toughest jobs on the field on Sunday. Everyone knows Tom Brady likes to work the middle of the field. The Eagles like to stick with their two deep zone coverage, that, in theory, should allow the middle of the field to be worked. They were one of the worst teams in the league against the tight end because of this, and Rob Gronkowski could have a huge day. It will be up to Edwards to protect the middle and limit Brady’s damage there.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Devin White ILB
No one human can replace Lavonte David, but a lot of the pressure is going to fall on Devin White, the other inside linebacker in Tampa. White is the freestyle to Lavonte’s steady, superstar beat. Without Lavonte there, however, it will be incumbent upon him to stay in the right lanes and make stops in the run game. The Eagles want to dominate on the ground, and taking that away first will be his prime directive.
San Francisco 49ers: Tom Compton RT
The offensive tackle for the 49ers who isn’t Trent Williams is going to have his hands full with DeMarcus Lawrence. While we can safely say Trent Williams will win his matchup, Compton will need to keep either Lawrence or a blitzing Micah Parsons at bay which will be tough. They are two of the best pass rushers in the NFL. Jimmy Garoppolo is already banged up and they can’t afford to lose him.
Dallas Cowboys: Jourdan Lewis NCB
The Cowboys nickel cornerback will be the person most often matched up against George Kittle. Kittle is the biggest mismatch weapon the 49ers offer. If you play him with someone too small, they will get destroyed at the point of attack in the run. Too big, and they can’t keep up in coverage. Lewis is a physical player, but a cornerback, who will have to hold his own in both scenarios. The 49ers will use a ton of misdirection to try to take advantage of how aggressive the Cowboys defense is. He will have to be disciplined to stay on Kittle.
Arizona Cardinals: Marco Wilson (or Bashaud Breeland) CB
It’s not clear yet if Marco Wilson can return this week from his shoulder injury. If not, it is likely Bashaud Breeland5 would be the second cornerback. This is important, because the Rams are deep at WR. One of these players will likely line up against superstar Cooper Kupp and will probably need help too. How this matchup goes will go a long way toward determining the outcome. The Rams will make this spot the focal point of their attack.
Los Angeles Rams: Eric Weddle S
Wait who? THAT Eric Weddle? Yep, the same Eric Weddle was just signed to the team despite retiring in 2019. Like, two days ago. Starting safety and defensive signal caller Jordan Fuller went down last week with an ankle injury (the other safety is in concussion protocol) and in steps his predecessor. It’s hard to have any idea what type of shape Weddle is in, whether he can keep up with anyone, and whether he can avoid pulling a muscle6. The Cardinals have some very fast outside options, and Weddle will have his hands full.
Q and A section: As usual, real questions from real readers, unless they aren’t.
Q- Why are people really buying boneless chicken wings? - @jahcomplex
A- Why the fuck indeed. “Boneless Chicken Wings” are absolute bullshit. First of all, they aren’t wings, and they aren’t wing meat. They are just processed breast meat, the most boring meat there is. Second, the idea that someone would be allowed to order this and call it a wing is a joke. I am from Western NY. If you order boneless wings, everyone looks at you like you are a child, because this is what a child would order. It’s a chicken nugget with silly sauce. I’m surprised they don’t come shaped like GOD DAMN DINOSAURS. What, is eating meat off of a bone hard for you? Do you like to keep yaw widdle fingies clean? Do you need a fork? Really. I’d say be a man, but most women are mature enough to handle getting sauce on their fingers. You just wash them. Order a real wing like a real person. They are one of God’s most beautiful gifts. You are insulting God, Jesus, and Father Keanu if you are a grown adult ordering a “boneless wing”. GTFOH. Third, if you just ordered a “mild” “Boneless Wing” just save everyone the trouble and admit yourself to a nursing home.
Oh my god I passed out. What just happened.
Q- Flats or Drums? @briangriffiths
Drums for me. More meat.
Q - Favorite sauce? @nooneIjust wanted to say
Smoked Dry rub. This is a sneaky good option if you have never tried it. Dry rub is delicious. There is a cajun dry rub at a place close by me that I LOVE. Give it a shot if you haven’t.
Q- Could an innovative front office trade for Mike Tomlin this year? - @inventive_not
This answer has three parts (so it’s long, sorry). A team would have to want to, the Steelers would have to want to and Mike Tomlin would have to want to. First, I think there is a market for him, even if a team had to trade picks. The last time this happened was when Jon Gruden went to Tampa Bay from the Raiders. That ended very quickly with a Super Bowl win… over the Raiders. The time before that? Bill Belichick to the Patriots7. So there is precedent, and it worked. A team like the Jaguars could desperately use the stability of a coach like Mike Tomlin, who has won a Super Bowl and never had a losing record. I think teams would want to do this. Second, would the Steelers? The Steelers DESPERATELY need a new quarterback. Ben Roethlisberger is finished whether he decides to retire or not. If a team could offer them an elite QB, or a draft pick that could get them that, they should at least consider it. Unfortunately, there isn’t an elite QB available in this draft, which probably ruins the Steelers motivation. Still, if a team like Jacksonville offered Trevor Lawrence, would they take it? Maybe. The last part is the real tricky part though: would Mike Tomlin want to? Mike Tomlin is in a different situation than most coaches. Pittsburgh has showed him the kind of loyalty very few coaches in any professional situation has received. They hired him when hiring a black coach was an even bigger rarity than now. When they did, he had 1 year of experience as a defensive coordinator. They have kept him for longer than any current coach other than Belichick. They have a history of loyalty that other sports franchises can only dream about. Since 1969 they have had 3 head coaches. That is mind blowing. It’s hard to believe this would happen without his blessing (both Gruden and Belichick demanded the trade). His response to the rumors of him taking the USC job show where his head is likely at with the Steelers. Never say never, but never.
Q - You have the opportunity to delete one film from the Disney or Pixar canon and have it never exist again but it must be a sequel. Which film is biting the dust? @mbernadette
Easy, Cars 2. That is just shit. I’m deleting Dinosaur if you take away the sequel rule. I’m taking it from Pixar in the hopes that it means we get a different better movie instead from that time.
Q- Who were the worst head coaches to ever win a Super Bowl? Former intern Nate.
I am going to start this answer at 1981, since I am not really that familiar with coaches from before my birth. These are in chronological order.
Mike Ditka. Ask any of the Bears from 1985 who the key to that team was, and the answer is always Buddy Ryan. Ditka provided enough offense to get by, but Ryan was the architect of that defense, and that defense was what won the Super Bowl. Ditka’s inability to keep the pieces together and subsequent flop in New Orleans shows me a coach who was more talk than productivity.
Barry Switzer. This one is well understood, as Switzer simply inherited what Jimmy Johnson had set up and managed to squeeze a title out of it. Switzer was not a long term success, not a brilliant tactician (or an average one), and not the greatest people person, but he had one thing Jimmy Johnson never had: a willingness to give Jerry Jones the credit.
Brian Billick. Another strange one, Billick never coached again after the Ravens, and his offense was definitely not why they won that Super Bowl. Defensive coordinator Marvin Lewis went on to have a much longer coaching career than Billick. Lewis’ exit the following year for a DC coordinator job with another team was… interesting.
Mike McCarthy. I have never been impressed with McCarthy, who managed to squeeze all of one Super Bowl APPEARANCE out of most of Aaron Rodgers career. He famously wasn’t always the most motivated coach. He does not seem the least bit inspirational or any sort of tactical genius, and became known for finding ways to blow situations that shouldn’t be possible. This hasn’t changed much in Dallas, where he mostly just stands there, incorrectly using timeouts, while Kellen Moore and Dan Quinn run things.
Doug Pederson. Doug’s Super Bowl will long be a mystery, as a backup QB somehow found enough magic to get a team that didn’t seem to be great at anything (besides o-line play), a win over the greatest coach and QB of all time. This honestly just seems like a fluke. After Frank Reich left, the offense fell apart, and Pederson lost the team and his job. The jury is still out because I expect him to get another job soon, and we will find out if I am wrong.
Q- Which do you think is bigger impact, teams like AZ and GB that are getting major players back from injury or teams like Cincy, Buffalo, that are coming in with good wins towards the end of the season? - @J_kartch
This is a little bit of a trick question, because when teams get players back this time of year it is really hard to tell if they are healthy, or if they are just giving it a go because there is one game left. If the players coming back are ACTUALLY healthy, that is the bigger factor to me. Every year we overrate teams that come into the playoffs on a hot streak. The problem is, being on a hot streak doesn’t necessarily mean you are good. Look at the Dolphins, who cruised for 7 straight weeks before getting obliterated by a much better Titans team. It could mean you figured out something8, but I’d rather have most of my roster healthy than be on a hot streak. Health determines a lot more of the outcome of the season than we want to admit, because we want to say the best team won. In reality, it is often just the healthiest.
You have to pick Two MCU characters to defend against all other MCU characters who you picking? @TherealFalcsGM
Magneto - He can literally control all metal. A shocking amount of the MCU requires metal (Iron man, Thor, half the Xmen, Ant Man, Black Panther, Spider Man in a Tony suit, Captain America, Bucky, Punisher… this could go on for while). It takes like 8 X-men to defeat him every time. And Quicksilver is his son, so I know he won’t fight me. I mean, he can kill you if have too much Wheaties for breakfast.
Thanos - Did you see how many damn Avengers they had to use to take him down? They didn’t even do it the first 6 times. They had to go back in time and do it again. I am also assuming he still has the best single glove since Michael Jackson.
You see Terry Fontenot, if that is your real name, you didn’t say I have to be a good guy. I am a GD supervillain. Did you read my take on wings? You think I’m the good guy? Nope. I’m Hank Fuckin’ Scorpio.
And Finally…: Amanda Knox
So I was asked an Amanda Knox question on twitter. It wasn’t really a question, so much as everyone’s favorite post-game reporter move “talk about _____”. I thought I had evaded this topic by saying that if AMANDA KNOX HERSELF acknowledged this tweet I would address it. Well… she did.
So here we go. First, this isn’t funny. I know most of you are here for that. This isn’t a joke. It was her life. Second, I am NOT going to go all the way through her case/life. This article is already WAAAAY too long. You can read that here. Third, I am also not interested in the parts of the story that have been sensationalized ad nauseum. The caricature of her that was created by the prosecution and media for attention and a wrongful conviction was gross, unfair and part of the media’s typical goal of vilifying any woman who has any sort of unusual sexual experience (like Monica Lewinsky) while quietly ignoring the men involved. The part of the story I AM interested in is the amount of cases like hers that don’t attract media attention but result in the same outcome (and she is too). A railroaded conviction9 is designed to appease voters and power brokers while creating a fake sense of security that justice is always served. The cost of these railroad prosecutions is felt beyond just the person who is railroaded (see this podcast from Amanda). There is a cost to society, where criminals remain free, innocent people are imprisoned, and a false sense of security is created. There is a financial cost. The prosecutions, appeals, jail time, and inevitable lawsuit comes out of society’s pocket. There is a personal cost to the family/friends/employers of these people who lose a piece of their life. These arrests/prosecutions tend to target people who are already on the lowest rungs of society, and cannot defend themselves. Amanda Knox was lucky. She had supporters who came to her aid. Most people who are railroaded by the system already have nothing. This guy only avoided death row because Larry David filmed a scene at Dodger Stadium. Their cries are silent, and they waste away in jail for a lifetime or worse, are executed. To me, the biggest issue here is that people don’t take local elections seriously. Many judges, sheriffs, and prosecutors come from local elections. People don’t like to bother with these, because they require effort, research, and sometimes voting outside party lines. Research your local elections. What is the judge, sheriff or prosecutor in your town actually like? What is their record? How do they behave? Ask real questions, and actually vote on the answers.
If you are going to add an X for no reason to Max, why stop at two. Maxxx is right there. It’s like the fourth best Vin Diesel franchise.
And holy shit was it bad. By FAR the worst run defense in the NFL, you have to wonder how much time DEFENSIVE coach Brandon Staley has if he can’t get his DEFENSE to even basic mediocrity.
The mobile version charges and obscene 20-40 dollars for a single character, kart or glider you aren’t lucky enough to earn.
I mean this almost literally. They had 9 total turnovers the entire year. That’s just two more than the record for turnover futility, set at 7, but in 16 games. By comparison, the Dolphins forced 6 turnovers in one game.
Just picked up following a release from the Vikings for a practice fight. Secondary depth is a major issue for the Cardinals, which I noted in the preseason.
I’m not joking, this is a common problem for players who suddenly appear off the street. It happened to Richard Sherman this year in his first game and he never came back.
If you don’t want to call this a “trade” ok. Belichick refused to honor his contract with the Jets, and the Pats had to give up a first round pick (and 4th and 7th) to resolve the issue.
Look at the Eagles who radically changed their offense to create their massive uptick in the second half (buuuut also got Lane Johnson back).
Railroaded convictions occur when a prosecutor and police combine to pick a person to pursue for a crime, then gather the evidence to support that, instead of the other way around. They occur so cases can be closed, and a police department/prosecutor can keep a high rate of case closure/convictions.
Excellent entertainment.
And yes, Cars 2 sucks.