Last Week: 5-11
Season: 114-121-4
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Look, I wanted to help people this year with my insight. At the end of the day, I have cost you more than if you had simply flipped a coin (barring a miraculous turnaround this week). To be fair, I was doing good for most of the year, until these last two weeks. Now, not so much. This week, the wheels didn’t come off, they just stayed off with the car on blocks like a Cadillac left unattended in 1980’s New York City. The good news is that I warned you from the beginning: I am a joke writer with a made up internet personality. I’m no a more football insider than Steven A. Smith. The worst part of all of it was this was the week I accidentally shipped this column out by email because I forgot to uncheck a box, so all most people saw from me this year was last week’s total meltdown. Fantastic. Well, if for some reason you came back for more punishment this week, I am going to take my job very seriously this week and provide you the very best info. First, the week that was.
Best Call: This segment is going to be renamed the “I picked the Bills again” segment. Because, as predicted, the Bills buried the carcass of the Patriots after the Dolphins killed them last week and set fire to the corpse. There was a LOT of pent up frustration doled out onto the Patriots the last two weeks. I genuinely feel bad for Cam Newton because we are watching him discover his football mortality in real time. He is just some guy who showed up to be the Pats QB this year not realizing that the Bills and Dolphins planned on organizing a revolution and usurping the crown from Atilla the Hoodie. He still got to beat the Jets though.
Worst call: The Lions were the worst call of the weekend. I didn’t realize at the time I made the pick that most their coaches were out with COVID (despite that info being out there). With Stafford getting a final debilitating injury on the first drive of the game, there was no possible way they could compete even if they wanted to, and it is clear they did not. This team is clearly looking to hold onto a good draft pick.
Bad beat: None really. None of the games I got wrong were especially close. Instead, they just kicked me in the groin repeatedly while screaming “THAT’S MY PURSE!”
OK, this week I am just going to chill and let the post-2020 vibe take over. I am going to send each team into the post season or offseason with a tweet that sums up their incredible 2020-selves and we will do a very focused analysis of their final game. Determining who is trying this week might seem tricky (am I trying?), but I am going to think it through very carefully before making a call. I will keep making picks through the playoffs as well, of course, but this is our last shot at everybody. Including 2020 itself.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Detroit Lions +7
Goodbye Minnesota 2020: They unloaded one angry receiver in 2020 (the best receiver in the NFL at this time), and drafted another angry ROY. Maybe it’s the quarterback’s fault? Nah, must be the incredible wide receivers who are to blame.
Goodbye Detroit 2020: But seriously, Matt Patricia was bad.
The game: The Vikings and Lions both showed last week they have no interest in playing out the rest of this season. They are both equally committed to avoiding injury, and making sure they make their reservations in Cancun on time without any sort of rescheduling fee. But they both technically still have a game this weekend which qualifies as Must-Not-Watch-TV. The Vikings coach is still trying to save his job, so they probably have the edge. Lions +7.
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Giants +2.5
Goodbye Dallas 2020: This isn’t really funny at all, but it’s the only thing that happened with the Cowboys this year. Dak is one of my favorite NFL players for his honesty about mental health and I hope he recovers 100 percent for 2021 and gets paid what he deserves.
Goodbye Giants 2020: They are currently 5-10. That’s twice as many losses as wins.
The game: This is a battle for the division title between the 5-10 Giants and the 6-9 Cowboys. If the WFT loses, the winner of this one is in the PLAYOFFS. Meanwhile, the AFC will likely send a 10-6 team home and maybe even an 11-5 team. Brutal. The Giants haven’t been the same since Daniel Jones hurt his groin somehow while grabbing someone’s purse, and the positive gains they made to take the division lead have withered and fallen away. The Cowboys are hot, having won a couple in a row to ruin their draft pick and put themselves in position to get crushed by some wild card team. With Andy Dalton and the running game clicking and a rejuvenated defense, it makes sense they should win here. Meanwhile, the Giants uninspired play should raise questions about their new head coach. Giants +2.5
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns +9.5
Goodbye Pittsburgh 2020: Meanwhile, this team is 12-3.
Goodbye Cleveland 2020: This is unquestionably the best year the Browns have had since the franchise returned to Cleveland. The worst they could end the season at is 10-6. Yet, they could still miss the playoffs and finish third in their division because they lost to the Jets with all of their wide receivers out because of COVID.
The Steelers are widely expected to rest their starters in this one, as the difference between the 2 and 3 seed in the playoffs is negligible with only the 1 seed getting a bye. Meanwhile this is beyond must win for the Browns, as the hopes and dreams of all of Ohio ride on this weekend. The Browns will likely have at least some WRs back this weekend. They are at home, and the fate of their season rides on this. Steelers +9.5
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills +4.5
Goodbye Dolphins 2020: Nothing encompasses the 2020 season better than last week’s Fitzmagic ending. Miraculously staying alive in the playoff chase, creating a QB controversy and throwing the ball to a WR who I have never heard of pretty much sums up their season.
The Bills: Bills fans are truly in heaven this year as their team is clearly the main challenger to the Chiefs empire. More than that though, their belief in their quarterback when everyone doubted him has been rewarded and they have been more than gracious to those seeking to atone for their doubt. Just kidding, they have been screaming non-stop at everyone about how wrong they were.
The game: Just like the Steelers, the Bills could be expected to rest their starters as the difference between the 2nd and 3rd seed remains negligible from 2 paragraphs ago. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are coming off a major high in Las Vegas and clearly have to be feeling like a team of destiny. It’s win and they are in for them, so they are going to empty the playbook in this one. Bills +4.5
New York Jets vs. New England Patriots -3.5
Goodbye 2020 Jets: In the video below, the Jets gave up a TD to the Raiders to lose in the last seconds. This was probably the worst play call in the NFL this year. It was widely rumored that this was intentional. They fired the DC the next day. Since then, they have won twice and ruined their chance to take a generational quarterback. This is more evidence Williams was a sleeper agent in NY than evidence the Trump campaign has proffered of voting fraud. Firing Gregg Williams was the third worst decision the Jets have made, following the decision to hire Adam Gase and the decision to hire Gregg Williams.
Goodbye Patriots 2020: The Cam Newton experiment did not go well. His career is now basically over. The QB situation in NE is so bad, they aren’t even bothering to try the QBs behind him. They have no offensive skill players. This team is headed into a full scale rebuild.
The game: The Pats are clearly packing it in for a cold New England winter. The Jets meanwhile remain feisty. I have been hard on Adam Gase this year, but I do want to give him a teensy bit of credit. Just like last year, he has the team playing hard all the way to the end despite the hopelessness of the situation he created by being a bad coach. That’s something. Bill Belichick will face a lot of questions this offseason, and you have to wonder how much more time he has in NE. Does he even want to be there for the rebuild? I think the Jets will follow the pattern of AFC East teams getting their kicks in on the Patriots’ collective groin with the Bills and Dolphins the last two weeks. They almost won the last time they played. Patriots -3.5
Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers -6.5
Goodbye Atlanta 2020: Nothing is more Atlanta Falcons than scoring an accidental touchdown to lose a game.
Goodbye Tampa 2020: The decision to sign known terrible human Antonio Brown seemed fairly benign at the time, but the Bucs haven’t been the same since. Now, with the playoffs looming, they will try to repair the fractures in their locker room and get a win or two before bowing out.
The game: This is a meaningful game for the Bucs as they try to be the number one wildcard and get the bye game against the NFC East winner. The game is meaningless for the Falcons. So something is at stake for the team with bad karma. Meanwhile, nothing is at stake for the team that can only play well when nothing is at stake. This is a very obvious call. Bucs -6.5
Baltimore Ravens vs. Cincinnati Bengals +13
Goodbye Baltimore 2020: The Ravens have had a very dramatic season this year. The nadir was probably the second loss to the Steelers where they were missing 20 players with Covid. Yet, since their outstanding effort in that game, everything has turned around. They have won every game since, and can clinch the playoffs by beating the Bengals.
Goodbye Cincinnati 2020: The Bengals caught a huge break when they secured the number 1 pick in the 2020 draft with the author of the best single NCAA season I have ever seen at QB available to take. They took Joe Burrow, then promptly had him throw 40 times a game behind a porous offensive line. Not surprisingly his knee exploded when being hit for the 100th time. It looked awful when it happened, and was somehow WORSE than expected. The Bengals gotta bungle.
The game: The Bengals have nothing to play for. They have already messed up their chance to draft a generational lineman in Penei Sewell to protect Joe Burrow, and now they are just playing out the string. Meanwhile the red hot Ravens are cruising toward the playoffs behind a resurgent offense and a very soft schedule. The Ravens won’t take their foot off the gas in this one. Bengals +13.
Tennessee Titans vs. Houston Texans +7.5
Goodbye Tennessee 2020: This team goes where Derrick Henry drags it.
Goodbye Houston 2020: JJ Watt is no stranger to self-promotion. In what makes this the ideal tweet for Houston, he levels everyone but him, spouting every fan cliché fans want to hear, without citing any specific examples or people, sufficiently throwing everyone but himself under the bus. This despite being the team’s most expensive defensive players and managing all of 5 sacks. This mirrors the franchise’s entire approach to football and public relations. It’s someone else’s fault. They are about to hand the number 3 pick in the draft to the Dolphins.
The Texans are a complete disaster with “team first leader” JJ Watt burying everyone and the franchise with no hope for the future. Meanwhile, the team’s real leader, Deshaun Watson, keeps leaving everything on the field, producing actual results, but still getting losses. I feel so bad for him. The Titans need to win this game to clinch the division. With everything to play for, a very hungry Derrick Henry is going to demolish this lackluster group while AJ Brown (modern TO) goes for 200 yards and 2 tds. Texans +7.5 (OK, that one hurts a little)
Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears +5.5
Goodbye Green Bay 2020: Aaron Rodgers IS the Packers. Better hurry up and draft his replacement.
Goodbye Chicago 2020: This rant by Nick Foles sums up the Bears season pretty well. After a couple wins as starter, the former Philadelphia icon ranted about people’s perception they were “winning ugly”. After his rant, they went 0-6. He was replaced as starter by draft bust Mitchell Trubisky, and they have been winning rather nicely since. They might even sneak into the playoffs. It’s better to be lucky than good, but it’s also better to be good than not good.
The game: This game means a lot to both teams. The Packers are trying to snag the 1 seed, and the Bears are trying to side-door their way into the playoffs. Throughout the playing career of Aaron Rodgers he has taken great delight in tormenting the Bears. He dangles the carrot of hope before them, then yanks it away and pushes them into a meat grinder and uses the remnants to make glue. This week, he will torment them all over again, thanks to human-horse hybrid Devante Adams. Bears +5.5
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers -5.5
Goodbye Seattle 2020: Russell Wilson’s year in and out greatness is like a metronome. He always delivers the playoffs, but is never the best QB. His place in the quarterback hierarchy is sort of an oddity. He is widely revered, but never anyone’s top choice. As usual, he will be judged by the playoffs, not the regular season.
Goodbye 49ers 2020: Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the most 2020 NFL team of the year: your San Francisco 49ers.
The game: Following a spirited effort against the Cardinals, the 49ers hope to send their season off in style by springing an upset on the Seahawks, while the Seahawks still need to hang on to the division title. Obviously the Seahawks have more to play for than the 49ers, but the 49ers got Greg Kittle back last week and it showed. This is a dangerous proposition and a possible upset, given the recent struggles on offense for the Seahawks. The 49ers aren’t playing out the string, they are sending a message for 2021 that they will be back. Seahawks -5.5
Los Angeles Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs +3.5
Goodbye Chargers 2020: One coaching blunder after another for this group. Stabbing a QB in the lung, constant clock management failures, the worst special teams I have ever seen, turning the best rookie QB effort of my life into having no chance at the playoffs… you can go on and on, but no team is better positioned to get better next year without doing anything but firing the coach.
Goodbye Chiefs 2020: The Chiefs might be the only people in America that don’t want 2020 to end. They have 1 loss this year.
The game: The Chiefs have absolutely nothing to play for. This is the bye week after the bye week before the bye week. I am sure the starters will play a few series to stay fresh, but the play calling will be so vanilla, it will make Adam Gase blush. Then, on come the backups to finish it out. There is no way the Chargers can blow this… right? Oh no… no… it can’t be… that’s… that’s Anthony Lynn’s music…
Where there isn’t a will, there is a way. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but the Chargers will find a way to blow it. Nothing in life is more sure than this. I’m guessing 4 punt return TDs. Chargers -3.5
Las Vegas Raiders vs. Denver Broncos +2
Goodbye 2020 Raiders: 8-8 has always been their destiny. I’ve pretty much said it since week 1. I’ll admit they scared me into thinking they would go 9-7. But nope… 8-8 it is. Since the Jets let them win, they are 0-3. Karma has not been kind. The football gods did not look kindly on them accepting a fraudulent win.
Goodbye 2020 Broncos: Speaking of mediocrity, the Broncos QB play spent another year without moving forward or getting better. I look forward to writing this in 2030.
The game: One of these teams is going to pointlessly sully their draft pick in this one. The Raiders as a team need to fulfill their destiny of not getting better year after year, so they are obviously going to win. Broncos +2
Arizona Cardinals vs. Los Angeles Rams -1.5
Goodbye 2020 Cardinals: Few teams have been more up and down than the Cardinals this year. You get the feeling they have something good brewing, but every third week they lose a game you are totally confused by. Still, the highs were high.
Goodbye Rams 2020: Jared Goff as quarterback for the Rams this season is best summed up here. If Kirk Cousins and Ryan Gosling had a baby it would be Jared Goff.
The game: Goff is out for this one. I am not sure if that is a negative or not. It’s win or go home, with both teams vying for the final playoff spot in the NFC. The Rams defense has been much more predictably good and their offense much more predictably bad. With little else to go on, take the Cardinals and the points. Rams -1.5 (that was a little obvious)
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts -14.5
Goodbye Jacksonville 2020: Hello Trevor Lawrence 2021
By the way, would you rather “spend several extra million dollars of your tens-of-millions in salary” or “Live in Jacksonville”. Genuinely tough call.
Goodbye Indianapolis 2020: Never have I been more confident in a likely 1-and-done playoff team to go 1 and done.
The game: This game literally means nothing to the Jaguars. Their draft spot won’t change. They already have a win, so they can’t go 0-16. If they get a win, they are still the worst team. There is nothing to gain by winning or losing. They should probably just forfeit and go jet skiing in the causeway. The Colts desperately need this game to make the playoffs and might start killing endangered Jaguars if it means winning this game. This line should be 1000. Jaguars +14.5
New Orleans Saints vs. Carolina Panthers +6.5
Goodbye New Orleans 2020: It doesn’t really matter who their QB is. They just win.
Goodbye Carolina 2020: Pretty much nothing happened here except Christian McCaffrey’s “injuries” that derailed millions of fantasy football teams including mine.
The game: This means nothing to the Panthers who have kept McCaffery out for weeks with an “injury” to keep the tank going. Meanwhile, the Saints are trying to lock down number 1 overall in the NFC. This line is the line these teams would have if this game was played in week 1. Now it’s the line for a game Carolina isn’t going to bother playing. What am I missing? Carolina +6.5
Washington Football Team vs. Philadelphia Eagles +1.5
Goodbye 2020 Washington: There are about a thousand jokes we could make about this team, which was somehow both the feel good (Alex Smith return, coach beats cancer and lots of McLaurin highlights) and the feel bad (no name, constant sex scandals, number 1 QB implodes on self and team, fires most of staff prior to the season) team of 2020. Let’s keep it positive:
Goodbye 2020 Eagles: Jalen Hurts has been dramatically better than Carson Wentz down the stretch. Carson Wentz has a 30+ million dollar cap hit next year if they trade or release him making it impossible for them to get rid of him and gain anything. These facts are unavoidable. Somehow, this tweet dooms this year and next year in one shot.
The game: This game is for the whole deal for the WFT. They can clinch the division with a simple win. No problem right? Big problem. Alex Smith is hurt again, and their season opening starter and former 1st round pick Dwayne Haskins destroyed his reputation, his life and his future with a season that showed he has the maturity of a 10 year old. So they cut him, in one of the shortest tenures ever for a first round pick. Instead, they will be starting a run of the mill former XFL starter (no the X doesn’t stand for Xtreme, it stands for Xpensive sunk cost). Meanwhile, the Eagles are trotting out their franchise savior, a guy that was beaten out by the Dolphins starter who got pulled last week. This doesn’t bode well for the WFT now or the Eagles long term. With everything swirling around this team, it makes sense that the WFT season would go down in flames right here. WFT -1.5