Overall record: 45-44-1
Last Week’s record: 7-7
Oddly, last week’s guest picker had the exact same record as I have every week. So weird. Anyway, back to me this week. Since I have had an extra week to evaluate the teams, I am hopeful to land a perfect score on this perfect week following a bye (for me). I am sure that will happen. Anyhoo, let’s start by taking a look back at the week that was.
Best call of the week: This week there were some really obvious games. The Dolphins, Cardinals and Steelers all felt automatic to me, and they were. Let’s say the Cardinals since they are my bugaboo. This week we discovered, much to America’s shock, that Andy Dalton is not as good as Dak Prescott. Who knew? Dr. Seuss did. I simply do not understand what the American betting public sees in the Cowboys.
Worst call of the week: This is actually somewhat difficult, I think most of the picks proved reasonable, even if they didn’t work out. I guess the Broncos smothering the Patriots to death with the leg of Brandon McManus. The McManus sounds like the latest McDonalds sandwich that combines all forms of pig on one sandwich. Ham, pork chop, pulled pork, bacon, and scrapple. You gotta have scrapple in a sandwich that has the word anus in it.
Bad Beat of the week: The obvious one is the Titans over the Texans. Heading into overtime I had the Texans +3.5. That is a good sign in a situation that usually ends in a 3 point game. Let’s allow Deshaun Watson to explain how that went.
Shortly after that gif, Derrick Henry steamrolled his way to a touchdown to ruin the spread. Honorable mention to the Ravens who stopped trying in the second half for some reason.
This week, no fancy stuff, we need to go straight to the analysis of the teams. Just kidding, let’s compare teams to beers. I know no one comes here for analysis. I love a wide variety of beers, but nowadays, nobody can keep up with all the beer options out there. So, please, take it easy with the “Why didn’t you mention the seasonal beer from that small brewery in South Texas” shit. I’m working from what I know people.
New York Giants vs Philadelphia Eagles -4
Giants = Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst Blue Ribbon is known as a working man’s beer. Blue collar. The Giants are a team that tries to tell you that it is the working class man’s football team. That it is for the hard nosed and tough. That it is good in that old school kind of way. They aren’t and while Pabst Blue Ribbon is very popular, it isn’t good either.
Eagles = Yuengling
Yuengling is very similar to Pabst in that it had that working man vibe to it, and it has been around forever. Old things tend to be fragile and very breakable, kind of like everyone who plays with the Eagles. Even if it were new and sparkly though, it wouldn’t be that great.
When in doubt in the NFC East… take the points.
Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals +3
Cleveland Browns - Southern Tier IPA
I don’t know what it is about Southern Tier. I am usually good with most craft, regional, mass-distribution beers, but Southern Tier just disappoints me again and again. It’s not undrinkable. It’s just that it is never as good as I want it to be or expect it to be. It is getting better though, and I like the Nitro beers. So there’s that. I guess the Browns are slowly getting better too, I think. Maybe.
Bengals = Coors
They were bad then, They are bad now, and they will be bad next year too. Same goes for the Bengals.
The oddsmakers learned from last time, when they gave the Bengals too many points. The spread this time is closer which makes it the perfect time to flip flop. Browns -3
Dallas Cowboys vs Washington FT +1
Dallas Cowboys = Corona
The Cowboys are immensely popular, and it seems like they have fans everywhere you go. But why? They don’t do anything year after year. They have the same amount of playoff wins as the Bears in the last 20 years. And fewer Super Bowl appearances. And they are terrible right now. Corona is just bad beer with a lime on it. A lime that only exists to keep flies out of what the fly must presume is meant for them since it is so bad. Everyone loves it though, for some reason.
Washington FT = Keystone
At no point has anyone thought this was good. You experience it to get drunk. The same goes for Keystone.
Every week we are going to get one or two of these awful matchups from the NFC East.
There aren’t really any points to take here… so I will say Cowboys +1 to bounce back.
Detroit Lions vs. Atlanta Falcons -2.5
Detroit Lions = Blue Moon
There is nothing special about Blue Moon. Its preeminent feature is drinkability. It is bland but not bad. So are the Lions this year. They aren’t special in any way. But they will get some wins. That is pretty much the Matt Stafford era in a nutshell. Plus, it’s blue like the Lions.
Atlanta Falcons = Stella Artois
Stella Artois sounds like a really fancy beer. You are even supposed to drink it from a fancy glass. It’s not fancy. It’s not even very good. It just sounds like it should be very good, on paper. The Falcons have a fancy offense, with big names all over. Ryan, Gurley, Jones, and Ridley are some of the best players the last decade has had to offer. And they lose every week. As fancy as they may seem, they are just not that good.
Every year the Falcons start terribly and put themselves out of the playoff mix, only to rebound and win several meaningless games. this game feels very meaningless. Falcons -2.5
Carolina Panthers vs. New Orleans -7.5
Carolina Panthers = New Belgium Fat Tire
New Belgium has been at this for a while, consistently making good beer and expanding slowly across the US. I am very rarely disappointed by a New Belgium beer, like the Voodoo Ranger or Citradelic. That’s not to say that it is incredible. It’s just good beer that I like to drink. The Panthers have been good for most of their existence, although never great really. This year is no different.
Saints = Dogfish Head SeaQuench Ale
SeaQuench is my favorite of the Dogfish head beers. If you have it at the right time (warm summer days by the lake) it is perfect. As it gets colder and you get into the playoffs, you might want to avoid this one (the Saints).
The Panthers have been a feisty out, while the Saints have been hit or miss all season. They finally get Michael Thomas back if he can avoid punching anyone this week. Still, I am not comfortable with the Panthers getting so many points. Panthers +7.5
Buffalo Bills vs. New York Jets +12
Buffalo Bills = Big Ditch Hayburner
Better than people realize, the Bills are a solid team that has been beset by injuries on defense. Overall they are still a strong playoff contender that most people don’t think about. Big Ditch is also a good and recent addition to the upstate NY craft beer scene in Buffalo. The Hayburner is a good IPA that won’t let you down. If you can find it, I really like their Cannon Call, a double.
New York Jets = Bud Light Lime
Bud Light Lime might be the worst drink you can have short of drinking out of the Gowanus canal. Let’s watch John Oliver drink some.
I watched the Jets game IN FULL this week as a Dolphins fan, and I want to talk about it. This column is now a therapy session. Why do the Jets keep doing this to their fans? I mean playing every week. Last weekend’s game against the Dolphins was an atrocity. The Dolphins actually played fairly poorly in a game that they won 24-0 (they benched their QB afterward). The Jets played like they were willfully trying to lose. First, Joe Flacco took a sack that was the longest sack ever without a fumble. Second, Adam Gase decided to kick a 55 yard field goal down 24 points at the end of the third quarter. Third, at one point, on third down at the edge of field goal range, the center snapped the ball directly into an oblivious Joe Flacco’s leg to move them to punting range. Fourth, countless dumb penalties such as one that has a holding call on a fair catch. Fifth, For reasons that I will never understand, they give the ball over an over to Frank Gore, who cannot run more than 4 yards on any carry by law. And there was SO MUCH MORE. This was a high school football team. I do not ever recall seeing such a poorly run NFL team, and yet they continue to employ their coach. It is beyond bizarre.
Until they cover a game, I am not taking the Jets. Bills -12.
Green Bay Packers at Houston Texans +3.5
Green Bay Packers = Lakefront Brewery Fixed Gear
My favorite of the Lakefront Brewery beers, Fixed Gear is a great IPA. Lakefront is a great place to go if you are visiting Milawaukee. My lovely wife took me there when we visited and it was like beer Shang-ri-la. The Packers are always good, and this season they are very good. Yes, they had a bad game. So what. Every team does. They will bounce back.
Houston Texans = Ommegang Pale Sour Ale
No, the Texans are nowhere near as good as this beer, but they were quite sour over Bill O’Brien. This is my favorite sour ever. Since it is the best sour, and the Texans were the most sour, I am pairing them. Do not drink the Texans.
I said don’t. Packers -3.5
Here's a fun video of Aaron Rodgers shot-gunning a beer like a noob (and me). Bakhtiari tho… damn.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Tennessee Titans +1
Pittsburgh Steelers = Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald Porter
Yes, I know Great Lakes is a Cleveland brewery, which is probably very offensive to Steelers fans, but this is a hard hitting porter, and well known, so I think it is probably the best match. The Steelers always hit you where it hurts on offense and defense, looking to out-tough you. This is not the kind of team that gets a beer you can see through.
Tennessee Titans = Stone Smoked Porter
Another team that cannot receive a beer you can see through, the Titans are true purveyors of smash mouth football. Stone has been doling out smash mouth beers for quite a while as well.
This is going to be a bloodbath. These two teams want to hurt the other, and I expect the injury list to fill up during this one. The Titans lost their left tackle this week and their defense is a sieve for WRs, which the Steelers have in spades. They have also struggled all year to cover spreads. Steelers -1.
Seattle Seahawks vs. Arizona Cardinals +3.5
Seattle Seahawks = Reubens Summer IPA
I’ll go summer IPA here, but you can’t go wrong with Reubens. Admittedly, I don’t like everything they have there, but a light crisp IPA works for me (and I am not some sort of beer savant). If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that you can’t give the Seahawks anything with mass distribution. They will be deeply offended. Even though Russell Wilson is definitely a Sam Adams kind of guy. In Seattle, everyone must make sure at every moment they aren’t doing what everyone is doing all the time. As for the Seahawks, they are really good.
Arizona Cardinals = Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy
Its not the greatest beer by any stretch of the imagination, but good luck keeping me from drinking one on a hot summer day. I’ll fall in that well every time.
This is the ultimate challenge for me as a Seahawks and Cardinals schill. It’s like watching my children play against each other. Since they just had a bye and ARZ played on Monday, let’s go Seahawks -3.5.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Los Angeles Chargers -7.5
Jacksonville Jaguars = empty beer bottles
Whether it’s the talent level, the stadium last year, or the stadium this year, the best way to describe this team’s beer is empty.
Los Angeles Chargers = Lagunitas Lineup
These beers look really good, although I never end up buying them, so I guess I’ll never know. Nothing looks better than the Chargers’ uniforms. I have no idea how they will play this week.
Check out these unis!
Chargers -7.5
San Francisco 49ers vs. New England Patriots -2
San Francisco 49ers = Anchor Brewing
The 49ers have been good for a long time, and so has Anchor Brewing, one of the oldest breweries in America. The 49ers current team even plays like it is still 1984. Sometimes the classics work.
New England Patriots = Samuel Adams Octoberfest
The Patriots were really good for a long time. For what felt like an eon, they were the best thing going without any competition. Everyone liked them. Then, everyone started to get bored with them, even their own fans. Now they are a has been. There are better options. It’s still fine, but my advice is to look around. We have lots of better stuff out there.
The Patriots lost a weird one last week. I think the limited practice time, and the chaos of COVID threw them off. I think they bounce back against the banged up Niners. Pats -2
Kansas City Chiefs vs Denver Broncos -9.5
Kansas City Chiefs = Ommegang Three Philosophers Bourbon Barrell
The champs get the best beer. Best combo of offense and defense gets the best combo of power and flavor. If you have one of these, get ready. Quad, plus kriek, plus bourbon barrel equals magic. Mahomes-like magic.
Denver Broncos - Shock Top
Another mediocre beer for another mediocre squad. Shock Top is almost never bad. But it probably isn’t going to get into the playoffs either. Plus, it’s orange like the Broncos.
Mahomes and dem boys keep rolling. Chiefs -9.5
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Las Vegas Raiders +4
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - White Claw
Something seemingly no one was asking for, White Claw came out of nowhere to be a huge hit. No one thought the Buccaneers were good before Tom Brady suddenly signed there, yet all of a sudden it is one of the most popular things going. I know it technically isn’t beer, but Tom Brady isn’t technically good, so I think it fits.
Las Vegas Raiders = Heineken
Heineken drinkers want you to think they are good. That they are sophisticated and special. And so do the Raiders. Just win baby! The legacy, the lore, and the lackluster present. Heineken isn’t good or special. It is just another boring beer. And, just like the Raiders, it was imported when it shouldn’t have been.
The Bucs are the better team and it isn’t close. The Raiders need 8 wins and 8 losses to reach their destiny. This one will be one of the 8 losses. Bucs -4
Chicago Bears vs. Los Angeles Rams -5.5
Los Angeles Rams = Magic Hat
With Magic Hat, they have some good beers, and some bad beers. They have like a million varieties. You never have any idea what you are going to get. I would say the Rams are a perfect fit. You tell me if you have any idea what they will do this week.
Chicago Bears = Saranac Brewing
Another brewery with a million beers and outcomes, Saranac are the masters of seasonal preparedness. Whether it’s an Oktoberfest pack, Winter Pack, Summer Pack, or Trail Pack, they always have something for the time of year (even their root beer is great). No, they aren’t the best beers, but I almost always end up liking them somehow. Maybe they just do the right thing at the right time. The Bears are NOT great, but they just keep winning somehow. They also seem to do just enough at the right time.
Bears +5.5
On a bye:
Since everyone deserves a beer, here are quickies for the bye week teams
Minnesota Vikings = Founders KBS Stout
Usually a tough nosed, defense first team, the Vikings are definitely a tough winter beer. So our first stout. KBS stout is quite powerful stuff, maybe too powerful for this years Vikings. This is more of a Chris Doleman beer (RIP Chris)
Miami Dolphins = Modelo Especial
The best of the Mexican beers, it still is pretty meh (but with a Latin flair!). The Dolphins are pretty meh too (but with a Latin flair!), although the excitement factor is about to take off with Tua time starting after the bye. Hold onto your butts!
If Tua ends up being awesome, lets upgrade this team to Ommegang Neon Neon Rainbows.
Indianapolis Colts = Ellicottville Brewery
I hadn’t heard of Ellicottville until recently and I was pleasantly surprised with how good it was. The Fall Festival was good, as were a number of other varieties. You should give it a shot. The Colts are also surprisingly good for a team quarterbacked by the washed Philip Rivers. Still, neither would probably be my first pick.
Baltimore Ravens = Ommegang Adoration Ale
A very, very powerful Christmas Ale, Adoration will hit you in the mouth. The Ravens will blitz, and they will run. That’s about it, but they are looking to overpower you on every play. So is Adoration. And they are both pretty darn good. And they are both at their best before Christmas. Sorry Brian.
NFL Preview: Week 7
Two Ravens digs in one piece, I dig it. (You're not wrong).
It's the wrong season but Ellicottvilles blueberry is good stuff. It's the right season for Big Ditchs whatever beer that has apple and cinnamon. At least I liked it.
🍺 + 🏈 Nice column...... Except you forgot the Natty Boh 🍻