Week 5 record: 6-8
Overall record: 41-52-1
La Cerradura De El Padre: 4-2
Another week and some more terrible picks by a person who is not an NFL expert. Not really a big surprise, but the fact that a coin could do better really stings. The good news is, unless you are insane, you are not reading this for my football knowledge. There are hundreds of places you could go for that. You come here for the laughs and the fun. So this week, I will once again be punishing myself for not making good picks, so you WIN again. This week, I will be playing the looks like game. I will pick one person from each team to play the looks-like game with prior to making my pick so you can go against it and win more money. If you are unfamiliar with the looks-like game, I take a person face and make an unfair assumption about what that person looks like. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT IS ACTUALLY TRUE ABOUT THEM. It’s just for fun. Let’s just skip my best/worst/bad beat combo and go right to it, since we can assume at this point all of my calls are the worst.
Denver Broncos vs. Cleveland Browns (-1)
I went Broncos +1 and they lost by three in a game I hope no one watched. I have my regrets over watching the first half.
Broncos: Drew Lock (the face of La Cerradura De El Padre)
Drew Lock looks like he has been staring over your shoulder trying to copy your answers the entire test, but because he hasn’t been to class all semester, he doesn’t realize you haven’t been in class either.
Browns: Baker Mayfield
Baker Mayfield looks likes he spent months becoming incredible at hacky sack his freshman year of high school, only to discover no thinks that makes you cool.
Washington Football Team vs. Green Bay Packers (-7.5)
WTF: Ron Rivera looks like he is so tired of people letting their dogs shit on his lawn that he is probably going to say something the next time he sees it.
Aaron Rodgers looks like he has been running his surf shop for over 30 years but the tourist he just had to give a surf lesson to just might be the one who will make him quit forever.
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Tennessee Titans (+5)
Kansas City Chiefs: Andy Reid looks like the Kool Aid man (pitcher?).
Tennessee Titans: Ryan Tannehill looks like he always interrupts your comment with “That’s what she said,” and when no one laughs, he laughs and says, “you know what I’m talking about.”
Kansas City Chiefs -5
Atlanta Falcons vs. Miami Dolphins (+2)
Atlanta Falcons: Arthur Smith looks like he just shouted down the chair at a school board meeting because he doesn’t understand why kids keep being given apples that they throw away.
Miami Dolphins: Brian Flores looks like he doesn’t trust that guy his daughter brought home for even one second.
Miami Dolphins +2
New York Jets vs. New England Patriots (-6.5)
New York Jets: Zach Wilson looks like he is the star of the glee club tv show who breaks down when his voice dies right before the state finals.
New England Patriots: Mac Jones looks like the jock who has been making fun of Zach Wilson, but secretly harbors a desire to join glee club. When Zach goes down, Mac changes his tune, and is coached by Zach Wilson to lead the glee club to a championship.
New England Patriots -6.5
Carolina Panthers vs. New York Giants +2.5
Carolina Panthers: Sam Darnold looks like his rise to vice-president of the company had “nothing to do with” his father being the president.
New York Giants: Joe Judge looks like the constantly aggravated coach of a 12 year old girls softball team that won’t stop talking between drills.
Carolina Panthers -2.5
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Baltimore Ravens -6
Cincinnati Bengals: Zac Taylor looks like the divorced dad that keeps buying his twins STEM kits for Christmas even though they are both 3.
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson looks like he has been telling all his friends he is into hip hop while secretly listening to Norah Jones.
Baltimore Ravens -6
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Las Vegas Raiders -3
Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts looks like a friendly barista who always has your drink order ready when you walk in even though you are a dick and never tip him.
Las Vegas Raiders: Derek Carr looks like he drives a pimped out Chevy Malibu with Hoobastank playing in the trunk at max volume while he tries (and fails) to peel out leaving the gas station he just bought 4 cotton candy Bang energy drinks from.
Las Vegas Raiders -3
Detroit Lions vs. Los Angeles Rams -15.5
Detroit Lions: Dan Campbell looks like he thinks you can always do another rep, even if you are just bringing groceries inside.
Los Angeles Rams: Matt Stafford looks like the new dad who just put his baby’s diaper on backward.
Los Angeles Rams -15.5
Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals -17.5
Houston Texans: David Culley looks like the sarcastic dad who tells his child to “keep crying because that will help”.
Arizona Cardinals: JJ Watt looks like he takes the salad that comes with his meal, tells the waitress that this is the food his food eats, and asks for a second steak instead. Then he takes the two steaks, sticks the fries that came with it between them and says, “this is how you make a sandwich”.
Houston Texans +17.5
Chicago Bears vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers -12
Chicago Bears: Matt Nagy looks like the grizzled bait shop owner who knows where to find every fish in the area but can’t find love.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bruce Arians looks like every time he takes the turn at the ninth hole, the cart girl has his favorite drink ready. He then over-tips, winks and says "that's my girl".
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -12 (La Cerradura De El Padre)
Indianapolis Colts vs. San Francisco 49ers -4.5
Indianapolis Colts: Darious Leonard looks like your constantly stoked friend who told you to get that Carpe Diem tattoo you now regret immensely.
San Francisco 49ers: Kyle Shanahan looks like the surprisingly old dad of a 5 year old who shows up at the skate park with his son and ends up showing up everyone there to the amazement of the whole place.
San Francisco 49ers -4.5
New Orleans Saints vs. Seattle Seahawks +4.5
New Orleans Saints: Sean Payton looks like the guy at the corner stool of the bar who has been there since the place was opened. They named a drink after him, but he really isn’t that popular so it’s a pretty bad drink that no one but him really orders.
Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll looks like the guy who offers grandfatherly advice to young women while standing too close for it to be grandfatherly.
New Orleans Saints -4.5