Hi, like many of you, I have heard about the Federal agents cruising the streets of Portland, Oregon in their unmarked vans and grabbing people like they are Charles Manson. While Brian covered why that is… not ideal, I want to help you if it is too late and you are already in the government’s custody. While they hold you without cause, perhaps you could check out some sites. You probably don't have a lot of say in the matter, but maybe a good suggestion is just what you need to convince the paramilitary group holding you to take a chance. They are probably just as tired of this as you are. Just hanging out in a flop house or black ops site is for the truly guilty, you and your agents should check out the sites! Here are my top 5 places to go in Portland while you are being held against your will.
The Rose Garden: Call me cliché if you want. I am sure there are great underground activities at clubs and bars, and some pretty great restaurants, but now a days, I think the test garden is my number 1. First of all, it's a solid social distancing option. The garden is gigantic, and people will definitely leave you with plenty of space as your armed agents surround you to prevent all hope of escape, even though you were just getting a pizza. I personally have been there, and the test aspect of the garden is incredible. They have varietals of roses you will never see again in your lifetime. Trust me, you had no idea how many kinds, shapes and sizes of roses there are. Look, above is a picture I took, and I am no Ansel Adams. Good luck finding that shit at Lowes.
Voodoo Doughnuts: Again a classic pick, but I can’t stress highly enough the fact that they have doughnuts. All kinds of doughnuts. And you are probably hungry, as depriving captives of food and water to make them dependent is exactly the kind of thing your agents will do, despite, as I mentioned, not having probable cause. They have cereal doughnuts there, and ones with bacon and doughnut dongs. Just don’t take the one that looks like an Anarchist logo. Then some different agent will find you and kidnap you from the first set of agents out of confusion.
The Japanese Garden: This works a lot like the Rose Garden, but it is even more tranquil. You can sit quietly by a Bonzai tree and contemplate the meaning of life while the agents with you try to talk you into waiving your Miranda rights. The huge sand and stone garden will provide you with perspective as you consider your place in the Federal penal system. While the garden is beautiful year round, I recommend getting kidnapped in the spring for the cherry blossoms or the fall for the leaves changing.
Powell’s Books: This is the world’s largest independent book store, and it is colossal. It has at least 3 floors of books that I saw, including the largest dictionary I have ever seen. Do you have any idea how large a full set of dictionaries is? You will if you go to Powell’s. There are so many book options to go with but I recommend George Orwell’s 1984, Margaret Atwood’s A Handmaid’s Tale and some old Calvin and Hobbes strips to throw them off the scent.
Q Restaurant & Bar: Class things up a little for your agents and test out their per diems. This fine French restaurant has a small but rotating menu, perfect for those of you who can handle limited options where every possible item is cooked perfectly. I had duck (not a joke, I really did) there that was amazing. They don’t appear to be offering it again at the moment, but it’s still good advice for when the tear gas canisters are coming for you while you stand there. After you are done, head down to Mill End Park for a walk along the river, watching the rainbow bridge. If you are lucky, you might be able to slip over the railing and swim for it.
I'll also put in a word for Pine State Biscuits, which has some of the best sausage gravy outside the south. But I'm old enough to have only gone there at their original storefront location, so it's been a minute i.e. 10 years.