Twitter or Facebook burner accounts are all the rage right now. SI is telling their staff to get one. Kevin Durant has one. The Philadelphia 76ers GM had one. Jets coach Adam Gase either had one, or a reporter created one to make him look bad. Plenty of regular people have them. I had a joke satire one at one time (Father Keanu is the name of my actual account). Now don’t be confused here. Burner accounts are different from bot accounts. Bot accounts aren’t real people and they just retweet Donald Trump’s agenda over and over. A burner account is run by a person, but it is fake. It isn’t their picture or name, but it definitely is their ideas. So why would someone need a burner account? Sometimes for fun or a joke. They aren’t super common though. I mean, most people just say what they think on their own account.
The real reasons are usually negative. If someone is an angry and hateful person who believes terrible things most people wouldn’t support, or they need to defend themselves but their status won’t allow them to, or they need to fluff their Q rating or they just want to treat others badly without ramifications, then they need a burner! They can’t have people they know knowing what they actually think and how they act. This is America, we are supposed to have free speech, which means the ability to treat others poorly without any ramifications! Unfortunately, sometimes there ARE ramifications to telling a female sports reporter to die slowly and burn in hell for believing an athlete might have committed sexual assault. Just to make sure there aren’t any personal ramifications, though, these folks can go with a burner account. So here are a few of the basics accounts you will meet in Twitter or Facebook hell. If you don’t have or want a burner account, you can just peruse these so you know when you are talking to one.
The “Steve/Stephanie” account: This account is for the sports lover who wants to support their team, but for some reason, the coaches, administrators and the players just don’t get it. This is serious! Steve/Stephanie’s whole life revolves around this team(s). So, while the general prodding they do on their own account is good, it just isn’t enough. Management hasn’t fired the coach yet or traded the players. And they definitely haven’t motivated these lazy professional athletes that make more money than teachers for some reason. So, it’s time to burner up! Don’t just stop at telling them to fire the coach, direct message that coach and tell him he sucks and you know where he lives. Don’t just suggest cutting a player for missing that critical free throw, @ him and tell him you are going to kill him and he is worthless. On the flip side, if you are a professional athlete or coach, nobody is going to stand up to these lunatics, so they create a burner for themselves and tell everyone that their teammates or players are selfish and explain that they have to carry everyone all the time and it’s not their fault. It’s not sufficient to be polite and hide what they think from these jerks, get down and dirty with them on their level. Reasoning with them will certainly work.
Special note: Look out for the occasional burner on burner action here.
The “Bill/Bethany” account: This account is for the extremist political savant who just needs to make sure that the people in the know are heard, and the “real truth” is spread. When bots aren’t enough, they need to make several copies of themselves to make sure people know important information like “The holocaust wasn’t real”, “Every conservative is a NAZI”, or “People should inject disinfectant into themselves”. They don’t let the actual truth stand in the way, this isn’t about that, it’s about making sure their truth is heard. Plus there are consequences now to sharing obviously false and dangerous information. And they can’t send politicians death threats with their own account. They wouldn’t really kill them, they just need them to quit because their party is ruining America. Bill/Bethany’s party will fix everything if people would just let them. It’s not like either party has ever had control of the presidency and both houses of congress before. If they did then everything would be perfect. They just want Polly Politician to know that they know where their kids go to school.
Special note: yes you can agree with their views on most stuff, but unless you are prepared to lock step with all of their ideas, get ready for the onslaught. You are the problem.
The “Christopher/Christina” account: This account is for people who need to make sure you know to follow the right religion. People in the world have become so immoral. Religion is clearly the answer to solve this. Once you believe the right religion, you will stop committing immoral acts. Christopher/Christina are here to help solve all of this. Sure, love and kindness are a huge part of their religion, but they can’t just stop there. Didn’t you read their holy book about that time their spiritual leader took things into their own hands and acted with force or powerful words? That is how you solve things. So they get up in those heathen’s accounts and respond to all of their awful ideas by reminding them that they are going to suffer some horrible ramification like hell or being reincarnated as Piers Morgan. They don’t need support from doctors, psychologists or the government. If they follow your religion, everything will be fine. They also want to make sure that everyone out there knows that if you follow a lifestyle or belief that doesn’t match their religion, you are destroying the country. You are not welcome here. You should go back to where you came from. If you came from here leave. Only their religion belongs here. You and anyone like you are scum and not worthy of care or compassion. Just like it says in their holy book.
Special note: name may change to reflect the nature of the correct religion.
The “Ken/Karen” account: This account is important in order to give them cover to destroy their enemies online. Their enemies are terrible. There are lots of them. And there are lots of reasons why. They are the wrong race, they have the wrong beliefs about politics, they are holding a conversation about something Ken/Karen find offensive, they came here from another country, they are from rural America, they are from the city, their life is better than Ken/Karens life, they wrote a positive article about an evil sports team, or they think another sports team is good. Really, anything other than their opinion warrants total annihilation. It’s not enough to tell them they are wrong. Everyone knows your opposition is wrong. Ken/Karen need to curse at them. They need to be told to stay in their place or go back where they came from. They need to hear these racial epithets. If they are women, they definitely need to be told they are garbage and their opinions don’t matter (multiply this by 1,000 if it is about sports). You can’t talk like this to anyone you meet on the street, in your family, at your job or even over the phone. But from the safety of their home, they can really treat others the way they deserve to be treated. After all, nobody loved THEM enough when THEY were kids.
Special note: watch out for the double or triple team here. You can’t destroy your enemies fully unless you bury them with multiple fake, hate fueled accounts.
The “Fuquan/Tamika” account: This one is a little more specific, but especially important these days. Their opinions are out there on their main account. Maybe they even have the confidence/awfulness to put all the stuff from the last four on their own personal account. But people still aren’t getting it. They need to show them. So they adopt a fake persona from the “other side” to get out there all the stuff the “other side” is really thinking but just won’t say. You know they aren’t going to peacefully protest, so make sure you spread threats of violence by pretending to be them, that way people will see what they are really all about. All these religious bigots just keep hiding how racist they are, maybe if people could just see what they really think. Fuquan/Tamika account is here to clear up all these positive misconceptions about others.
Special note: bonus points are awarded if they retweet their burner account on their own account with a “See what I mean?”
If you ever are unfortunate enough to run into one of these popular burner choices online, don’t fret. Remember that the owners are cowards who know what they are doing is wrong but it makes them feel better about something awful in their own lives. So give these internet trolls some love! They don’t get it anywhere. Think this is just a bunch of candy coated hooey? Read this. People who receive love can re-evaluate their life choices. As for me, I need more retweets and likes for my articles so I can build up a reader base; so say hi to Steve Harringtons, Bill Packston, Christopher Colombus, Ken Burnsy, Fuquan Turk and Padre Keanu for me when you see them in my feed.