The NFL 2021 QB rankings

... for going drinkin'

So I saw something on twitter, then stole it to make an article myself. That is how journalism and blogging works now. Before I start, hat tip to Pete Damilatis.

I have been chronically annoyed at how bad Chris Simms own QB list on twitter has been, but I just don’t care enough to really address it or make my own. I find that sort of thing to be sort of pointless and empty. Then I found this list by his producer. Now THIS is the content we need. THIS is what is important. Who cares if Trevor Lawrence hasn’t thrown a pass, I want to know if he will be any good at throwing a ping pong ball in a cup of beer. So I have decided to create my own top ten list of NFL QBs to grab a drink with because, like every list ever made on the internet, this one is completely wrong. First, the rules.

  1. Starters or possible starters only (there are some questionable ones). I’m sure Mason Rudolph is a blast (actually, probably not), but I’m not spending my time with you if your best work comes holding a clipboard. That’s the kind of work I do, and I already know it’s boring.

  2. Everything about a QB is fair game. This isn’t just about between-the-lines. There might be masseuses at the bar. Or crab legs. Or mono.

  3. We are capping it at ten, but we will look at the omissions

Legal Omissions:

Look, we have all made mistakes, but some guys make it a chronic pattern. When I am going out, I am not looking to end up in jail or dead and I am not bringing someone dangerous to the party. Certain guys have shown a predilection for ending up on the wrong side of the law.

  1. Mac Jones (debatable starter). DUI. Hey idiots (not just Mac Jones): Call a damn Uber. I’ll reconsider him for the list in a couple years if he can stay away from this.

  2. Jameis Winston. Multiple incidents of accused sexual assault. It goes without saying, but I am going to say it anyway, I’m not looking to put women I know in danger.

  3. Ben Roethlisberger. Multiple incidents of accused sexual assault. It goes without saying, but I am going to say it anyway, I’m not looking to put women I know in danger.

  4. Deshaun Watson: Multiple incidents of accused sexual assault. It goes without saying, but I am going to say it anyway, I’m not looking to put women I know in danger.

Too Young:

I am getting older (40 and… sporty?), so these borderline tweens that just got in the league probably won’t be much fun for me to hang out with, or for most of my middle aged readers. If you are young, make your own list. I want to hang with someone who has life experience. These guys don’t even know The Simpsons used to be GOOD because they weren’t alive when it was.

  1. Justin Herbert

  2. Kyler Murray (closest from this group to making the list)

  3. Trevor Lawrence

  4. Tua Tagovailoa

  5. Drew Lock (older than the others, but acts younger)

  6. Zach Wilson

  7. Justin Fields

  8. Trey Lance

The Football Only Guys:

This group feels like they would just never shut up about football, and blitzes, and route combinations. I like football, but honestly, it’s a small part of my life. If that is ALL you want to talk about, I’m not interested. Some of this isn’t fair, but I haven’t seen these guys talk about, or show interest in, anything but football. Maybe they garden or take Tai Chi, but I haven’t heard about it.

  1. Kirk Cousins

  2. Matt Ryan

  3. Andy Dalton

Health Concerns:

  1. Sam Darnold. The only person here who has missed games for mono, and he doesn’t understand how a vaccine would help him. I want to hang with people who have at least a vague idea how disease spreads and how to avoid it.

Brand Guys:

I am not in this bar to hear about your brand. I want to hear more about fourth quarters than fourth quarter income. I don’t want your agent sitting next to us OK-ing topic points. I’m not buying your weird smart water.

  1. Russell Wilson

  2. Tom Brady

  3. Cam Newton

Not Feeling It:

I can’t put my finger on a reason, but no.

  1. Jared Goff

  2. Taysom Hill

  3. Derek Carr (probably closest overall to making the list)

  4. Carson Wentz

  5. Daniel Jones

  6. Teddy Bridgewater

  7. Tyrod Taylor

Here we are! My top 10 NFL QBs to get a drink with and a quick blurb about why.

Number 10: Ryan Tannehill - Maybe it was his fake QB speak on the Lebatard show, or his wife forgetting their assault rifle in the back of a rental car, but something about Ryan says there is a fun guy in there. I want to know more

Number 9: Baker Mayfield - The guy just feels like he knows how to have a good time without going over the edge. He will say what he thinks, which could get annoying, but you also might see a UFO. He is snarky and clever. He might weave rap lyrics into your banter. Anyone Colin Cowherd hates is good in my book

Number 8: Patrick Mahomes - While I am worried he is in a little danger of becoming too corporate, I still feel like there is enough everyman in there to be fun. Ketchup on his steak, stories about a life growing up in baseball and football. Super Bowl stuff. Andy Reid stuff. There is a lot to talk about. Plus, you get to be seen with Patrick Mahomes.

Number 7: Aaron Rodgers - This one feels risky. This could end up being a disaster if he doesn’t like you, but few people have a broader range of knowledge and stronger opinions. I feel like I could talk to him for hours, if I promise to never, ever tell anyone I did (and I have to probably sign some sort of NDA, but it would be worth it). I feel like Aaron holds back A LOT. I want the unvarnished truth.

Number 6: Joe Burrow - He is a lot older than people realize (the rare 23 year old rookie). He seems to have a brash persona, but in a fun way. This is another risky one, but just the way he carries himself tells me he would be fun to hang out with. And he didn’t lash out once after his coach and O-line almost got him killed. I feel like he would cut me some slack if I spilled my drink on him.

Number 5: Josh Allen - Josh seems like the ultimate everyman. His teammates all love him. He grew up in a blue collar area, went to college in a blue collar area, and plays in a blue collar area. I imagine a convo with Josh is real, honest, and enjoyable. I feel like he would make things fun without ever being pretentious. He’s like the Pabst Blue Ribbon of people.

Number 4: Jimmy Garoppolo - Here is the ultimate wingman. Hollywood handsome. If you are looking to meet the ladies (I am not, but you might be), he is the perfect guy to tag along with. Also, he seems like a real one, honest and fun. I loved when he was real about how much he enjoyed beating the Patriots, because I enjoyed him beating the Patriots.

Number 3: Dak Prescott - Unusually honest for an NFL QB, Dak has shown remarkable maturity for a man his age. He is getting a break for his college DUI, because he has taken responsibility and learned from his mistake. This is a good example of how Mac Jones can make it out of my dog house in the next year or two. Dak was open and honest about his struggles with depression, and has shown outstanding mental toughness handling the media around the Cowboys (and human asses like Skip Bayless). I feel like I could relate to him, and he would be honest with me.

Number 2: Matt Stafford - Matt seems like a funny guy, tough guy, and a sincere guy. I can relate to his personal struggles with his wife’s health situation. I think he would be relatable. I think he knows his way around a good drink. I admire his commitment to his family. He has a LOT of “life experience” having played for the Lions (probably a good sign for his patience as well). Just seems like a super solid guy.

Number 1: Ryan Fitzpatrick - An easy number 1, Fitz is a constant bubble of joy, honesty, smarts (but relatable smarts), and silliness. His teammates seem to adore him. He makes great relationships everywhere he goes. Yet he never seems to be forcing it (like how Russell Wilson ALWAYS seems to be forcing it). So many amazing stories from so many teams. Just a guaranteed great time.