The top 7 things about your favorite team's minicamp

Congratulations on all of your offseason improvements

NFL Minicamps are in full swing. This is a great time to catch up on all of your team’s offseason signings, preview the upcoming season, and be hopelessly optimistic in the face of reality. So let’s start off with your favorite team. You know the one. You have been a loyal fan for years (let’s just pretend last season’s playoff bandwagon was a one off thing). Things are looking pretty good (unless they aren’t). Let’s just get into our seven things that are going on with your favorite team.

1. Someone is in the “best shape of their life”.

   That’s right. You know the guy. Every year you think he looks a little pudgy around the midsection. He doesn’t quite have the same arm definition as the other guys. He keeps pulling that damned hamstring. WELL. GUESS. WHAT??? He is in the best shape of his life. He’s a team guy now (forget about his contract that’s coming up). Whether it’s Mac Jones in New England, David Montgomery with the Bears, or even non NFL-players like Colin Kaepernick, there is that guy you have been begging to get into shape AND HE DID. This will change everything about the trajectory for your team, as he becomes a dominant force where once you had a sputtering blob.

2. Someone is Locked In

   This is usually your QB, but it could be anyone who just signed a new contract really. Getting that distraction out of the way allowed them to lock in like never before. Whether it’s a new coach, a new system, a new contract, a second year in the same system, that critical player is finally “Locked In.”. This is going to change a lot about this season. Remember all the years a player like Sam Darnold WASN’T locked in? Well now with a second year under his belt he IS. Remember when Tyreek Hill was just another guy? Well this new contract means he is a team leader. Let’s just ignore how a professional could not be “Locked In.” They are now, and that’s all that matters.

3. That holdout will be resolved by training camp.

   Uh oh, somebody didn’t show up to mini-camp. They are saying they want a whole new deal. And, maybe they even deserve it. What can we do? Well I have awesome news. It’s going to be fine. They definitely aren’t checked out on this year. They just don’t want to have to deal with the grind of minicamp. When push comes to shove, they will be there. Yes, yes, they have demanded a trade, but so what. They are still committed to your organization. Players do that all the time. They just want attention. They are still a critical piece of what we are doing here unless they miss games. Then so help me, they can go F*(& their @%$@#% with a $#^%&*.

4. That new coach has really changed the vibe.

   Great news! That new coach the team hired has really improved the vibe from last season. Last season’s coach in that role (I forget if he was head coach or special teams coordinator or what) was either too much or too little of a players coach. Now with this new coach doing the exact opposite, the players will respond and get better. They just needed a new face. Everything is good now. Plus if things start poorly, it’s just growing pains. They have to learn the new system. Unless it’s the same system with tweaks. Then it’s probably time for a new coach who is NOTHING like this current one.

5. That HUGE pad-less highlight I saw is a harbinger of the future.

   OH MAN. Did you see that highlight on twitter and/or facebook??? Whoa. Those players are going to LIGHT UP THE LEAGUE this year. This is definitely what it’s going to look like when the pads go on. And the defense is trying. And they are playing more than base defense. Oh, and thank God they cropped out everyone else in that video. I’d hate to be whoever that defender was who gave up that play. I wonder what team HE plays for.

6. That free agent signing/rookie is definitely on track.

   This is very good news as you just committed a lot of resources to this guy. Thankfully, he is picking up the scheme quickly, is getting along great with everyone. Even that injury he was rehabbing is going well, and he is ahead of schedule in that regard (even though they won’t tell you the schedule). It’s so comforting to know that the team thinks that the team made the right decision. I mean, imagine if he wasn’t already in the best shape of his life, Locked In and dropping huge highlights amirite. Start prepping his jersey for the ring o’ honor.

7. If you are the Browns, none of this applies and you are Fucked (capital F)

   Why the hell did your team commit nearly 300 million guaranteed dollars to a QB without even checking to see what he MIGHT have done by talking to the women involved? You didn’t even know there were 66 possible complaints? You didn’t know there would be more lawsuits? That he would be suspended for a year at a minimum? WTF is wrong with you. AND YOU GAVE AWAY DRAFT PICKS. How stupid can you be? Seriously? Browns fans should burn your stadium to the ground for this.