If you’re like me you’re currently trying to inoculate yourself from all of the ‘Rona depression by overdosing on Christmas music. I love Christmas music, especially since most modern-day music stinks as bad as public restrooms in any German migrant camp. We put up a best/worst Christmas movies list. Why not write one up for Christmas songs? And why not combine them?
I asked Brian’s “friends” for their favorite Christmas songs. Here they are in no particular order.
Kenny – U2 “Christmas” (Remake of Darlene Love)/Wham! “Last Christmas”/ Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”
Tom – Wham! “Last Christmas”/Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”
Craig –Michael Buble “Santa Baby”/ Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”/Alabama “Song of the South (Not really a Christmas song)”/Every Pentatonix Song
Scott – Wham! “Last Christmas”/ Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”/Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”
Brian – New Song “Christmas Shoes”/Dominic the Donkey/Kenny Rogers “Mary Did You Know?”/ Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”
Mitchell – Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”/Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas”
Daniel – Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”/Lady Gaga “Christmas Tree”
It’s an interesting mix of a few really solid songs and some downright terrible songs. You’ve got to question some of the above choices, but who am I to judge?
Wham! “Last Christmas” IS the best Christmas song, so most of them got that right. Little Drummer Boy, O’ Holy Night, Deck the Halls, anything by Bing Crosby, and O’ Come All Ye Faithful round out the list for me.
Let’s move to the Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs:
5. Any of Michael Buble’s Christmas Songs – Try inhaling five balloons filled with helium. That’s the feeling you’ll get by listening to any of this crooner’s Christmas songs. He’s the ultimate vanilla extract to any traditional Christmas tune. You can find a dozen better versions of any song Buble sings, but somehow contemporary radio insists on battering your senses with pure mediocre.
4. Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time” – McCartney takes us down what I would imagine is a bad acid trip for a Christmas tune. In full disclosure I was never a fan of the Beatles. McCartney is the Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls to the original Ace Ventura movie. With lyrics like “The moon is right/The spirits up/We're here tonight/And that's enough,” this song could’ve been written by a five-year-old.
3. Springsteen “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” – No surprise that one of the most overrated musicians of all time checks in with one of the worst Christmas songs. I don’t care if Clarence got a new saxophone from Santa. You’re a grown adult, Clarence, you shouldn’t be counting on Santa for anything.
But really, Springsteen’s raspy lyrics give us the Dave Mathews treatment of repeating the chorus until your ears bleed the color of holly.
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town (Ho ho ho ho)
Santa Claus is coming to town, alright
Santa Claus is coming to town, yeah
Santa Claus is coming to town, yeah
Santa Claus is coming to town, whoa
Santa Claus is coming to town
In case you missed it, Santa Claus is coming to town.
2. Justin Bieber “Mistletoe” – You’re having a good time drinking with your friends. Maybe you’re having a Christmas Eve dinner with your family. Heck, maybe you’re on the way to Christmas shopping. And this Canadian shows up. If you thought McCartney’s lyrics had all the passion of mating turtles, you’ll be delighted with the Canadian’s lyrics “But I’mma be under the mistletoe/With you, shawty with you/With you, shawty with you/With you under the mistletoe.” That’s not a mistake. Bieber’s grasp of King’s English would astound Shakespeare.
“I’mma be under the mistletoe” looking for a little Strunk & White.
1. New Song “Christmas Shoes” – This song. This freaking song. Nothing like a little shot of depression while opening your Christmas presents. This is the absolute worst steaming pile of the bunch. By a mile. Not even close. I physically get angry when this comes on the radio. While the majority of us are taking a small reprieve from the daily grind of life, New Song decides it’s necessary to drive a wedge into our temporary moments of happiness. Nobody needs to hear a story about some kid buying his dying mom a pair of Nike Air Force Ones for Christmas.
Not a big fan of Patton Oswalt in general, but his take on Christmas Shoes is the absolute best.
The Worst/Best Christmas Songs
All of my favorite Christmas songs are on that Sunbears album. Beyond that, Kings MHM Christmas album, The Brilliance Christmas album and Josh Garrel's Christmas album.
This is a great list of bad songs. I would add I saw Mommy kissing santa clause, two front teeth, I want a hippo for christmas and definitely Baby it's cold outside.