We’re a few days away from Christmas and you’re fresh out of movies to watch. Let’s face it, this year all you’ve been doing is watching movies after you attended your daily worship session at Bishop Fauci’s Altar of Science. And you’ve probably already watched the wonderful Christmas movies I suggested last week. If you haven’t, you really should watch all of them. They’re great. They’re really great.
Your journey is not over. Far from it. You need to cram in more Christmas movies during this season. But alas, there are strange tides throughout your journey in the Sea of Joy. You don’t want to get caught in those dangerous waters of terrible Christmas movies. I’ll be that lighthouse so you can avoid those rocky shores. Here are those to avoid…in no particular order.
1. ELF – Oh, I said it. I can’t stand Elf. I hate saying this because Jon Favreau is the only person in Hollywood producing entertaining material.
I can’t stand everything about this movie. Maybe it’s my disdain for Will Ferrell (he’s not that funny without comedic genius John C. Reilly). Maybe’s it’s the grating child actor who plays the kid in this movie.
The premise stinks. Apparently, when a human is raised by a pack of elves said human’s intellectual development stops around the 2nd-grade level. Do you notice how the elves still act like adults? Why doesn’t anyone question Will Ferrell’s mental development? Do you think those elves would douse spaghetti with Lucky Charms? M&Ms? Chocolate syrup.
The Elf goes to NYC to find his biological father, who is, of course, a jerk. Hijinks ensue as the overgrown vanilla baboon trollops around NYC dressed as Pinocchio. While he attempts to win James Caan’s affection, he ends up winning over a very attractive Zooey’s Daschenel’s heart instead. Because an attractive blonde would totally go for the overgrown vanilla baboon. Makes sense.
I could go on, but it’s simply not worth it. I don’t get the Christmas vibes from this movie. I get the urge to get off the couch and get another drink so I can question where I went wrong in life.
2. The Family Stone – I still regret watching this movie. It wasn’t my choice. My wife and I would often visit Blockbuster and take turns selecting movies. I, as the testosterone-fueled action hero that I am, would often select movies that feature explosions or Sean Connery. My wife? Not so much.
This one…this one is a doozy. The ensemble cast foreshadowed a terrible night. Diane Keaton stars as the hyper-liberal Bohemian mother who enjoys the smell of her own gas. Sarah Jessica Parker stars as Mr. Ed, a conservative executive from the big city.
Then you have emasculated college professor Craig T. Nelson. You know you’re in trouble when you see post-Coach Craig T. Nelson. Luke “The Nose” Wilson makes an appearance. He’s not talented.
This movie in a nutshell: Evil conservative executive Mr. Ed visits her boyfriend’s liberal family for Christmas. And like any modern-day right-leaning individual, I was blessed with watching the liberal family blast/patronize Mr. Ed on topics ranging from sexual orientation to adoption. I’m sure Christmas was somewhere in the background. And, of course, Diane Keaton is always right. She’s the wise old sage with the wisdom from the ancient past while Craig T. Nelson is just a pawn in her chess game of debauchery.
My wife allowed me to pick 10 straight movies after watching this travesty. Buy it for the person you dislike the most.
3. Any Hallmark Christmas Movie – Any of them. They’re all the same. My podcast gave the synopsis of every one of these movies in our Die Hard 2 episode. Let me break down every Hallmark movie for you.
A highly compensated executive from a big city with no Christmas spirit has to go to Podunk Town, USA because her mother/aunt/uncle/grandpa recently passed away. Said relative happened to own a bed & breakfast, a whimsical country lodge, or a Christmas tree farm. Big City Woman doesn’t want to go but has to wrap up those affairs.
After Big City Woman arrives in Podunk Town she encounters several of the locals, all of whom were mugged by a Hobby Lobby Christmas display. Big City Woman also realizes that the Christmas tree farm is a popular attraction but also subject to four different bank liens. The relative was financially incompetent.
It’s not until Big City Woman meets handsome local Big Dick Johnson that her (Christmas) world is turned upside down. Big Dick Johnson wears a Pottery Barn Christmas flannel and possesses a degree from MIT. Because, why wouldn’t he? I don’t want to get too much in the weeds, but Big City Woman ends up saving the bed & breakfast, falls in love with Big Dick Johnson, decides to move to Podunk Town, and, most importantly, is singing Jingle Bells by the end of the movie.
The same old formula with the sold old retread actresses. Merry Christmas.
4. Jim Carrey’s Grinch – There’s nothing remotely entertaining about Jim Carrey. There’s something insidious about Jim Carrey dressed as Satan’s little helper in The Grinch. I still have nightmares about this live-action version of people who look like they were grown in Petri dishes from material harvested from garbage disposals.
5. A Christmas Carol (1999/TNT Version) – I had fond memories of this movie while attending undergrad. Those fond memories were obviously formed from a toxic combination of Honey Brown and Captain Morgan. If 1984’s A Christmas Carol is the pinnacle of Dickens’s novella adaptions, Jean-Luc Picard’s A Christmas Carol is the gutter. I don’t remember it being this bad, but it is. It’s really bad. Picard’s forehead is the only shining moment of this movie.
The Ghost of Christmas Future looks like a budget Spirit of Halloween lawn ornament. The Ghost of Christmas Past looks like a rejected Lord of the Rings cast member (notice his fabulous sheer cape). The actors are cardboard cutouts that couldn’t outperform your local high school dramatization of Fiddler on the Roof. And Jean-Luc Picard plays himself throughout the entire affair. He made sure to have a few staple scenes removed from this movie so we could see him dance more.
It’s really that bad. Again, we reviewed for our podcast.
Well, have a Merry Christmas. Maybe I’ll be back with some good/bad Christmas songs if I have time this week.
Not a good flick on the list...Well done. Merry Christmas to you and your family.🎄☕🎅
I think Elf is funny for kids. Outside of that, the rest I could do without as well.