Top 5 Cliched New Year Resolutions
Tomorrow is New Year's, and you know what that means. The inevitable New Year’s Resolutions are sure to follow. We all know some people who proclaim they’re going to change their life in some meaningful way. We also know people who laugh at those people. With that being said, here are the top 5 cliché New Years Resolutions.
“I’m going to lose weight.” – No, you’re not. You’re not going to lose weight. You’re going to take about 14 days to go ahead and “clean up your diet” a little. Maybe try eating less at night. Perhaps cut back on some fast food. Then you’re going to try on that new gym outfit one of your friends, family, or significant other bought you for Christmas. We all know that matching neon outfit (pants, top, and mask) that show up on Jan 2nd in the gym (new gym membership – except some gyms are closed). First, you step on that treadmill. You take a few steps. Then you realize that your lungs are about the size of a pea. All that time sitting on the couch, worshipping St. Fauci hasn’t paid off. A few steps become a quarter-mile. You’re on the verge of a heart attack. It’s time to go home. You started small and worked up a sweat. You reward yourself with a cheeseburger “because you burned a few extra calories.” Congrats, the vicious cycle continues.
“I’m going to be a better person.” – No, you’re not. You’re not going to be a better person. Face it, absent some life-altering event you’ll be back to trash-talking Belinda or hating that person from the opposite political party by Jan 21st. No number of self-help books you begin to read (and not finish) is going to help you. Sure, you might wake up earlier for the first week, drink that cup of coffee, and enjoy the sunrise. But that’s quickly going to be quashed when you realize you’re the same person you were on December 31st. So why not get a head start on who you are by delving back into NextDoor, back to braindead Facebook, or back to the cocaine of Twitter. And it doesn’t matter. None of us are going to improve because the calendar turns over.
“I’m going to start a new company/learn a new skill.” – No, you’re not. You’re not going to start up a new company/learn a new skill. Just because you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad doesn’t qualify you as an entrepreneur. That new website you start or new YouTube account where you display your new cooking dishes doesn’t qualify either. Sure, you might sink some of your 401K into a new house-flipping venture. You watched a few of those HGTV shows. You know what you’re doing. Until you don’t. What happens when you find that mold? Or how about a crooked foundation? You’ll be lucky to break even after fees. How about learning a new language? That Rosetta Stone software you purchased five years ago no longer has an applicable license. Learning a new instrument? Your time was ten years ago with Guitar Hero.
“I’m going to find me a husband/wife.” – No, you’re not. You’re not going to find your new spouse this year. For one, the overbearing tyrants we call elected officials are not going to release the hounds until we’re all stuck with a needle. That ain’t happening. You might download an app from the web. You might go out for a socially distanced drink. And you might even score. But let’s face it, you haven’t learned a new skill/language to make you more appealing financially. You’ve already given upon on exercising (so is the person you are trying to date). You’re still a downright miserable person who is waiting for the sunrise of post-Rona. Who the hell knows when that’s happening?
“I’m going to save more money.” – No, you’re not. You’re not going to save more money. You already have that stimulus check tagged for that fancy new Apple Watch or Roomba. You need those things. Then you can start saving money. But wait, Amazon has a new air fryer for $50. Need that too! Starbucks has a double pump mocha chai colon exploder. Need that too! What do you mean that the gym membership you bought me auto-renews on my credit card after six months? How do I cancel this? Disney+ has some awesome shows coming out next year. Need to sign up for that service. That new designer mask sure looks sweet. Need that too!
Happy New Year!